struggles

Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…

 

Last Memorial Day weekend the morning sickness of my first pregnancy was kicking my ass and hard. But I had no idea at the time it was morning sickness or that I was pregnant. I wasn’t throwing up, I was just feeling… weird. Like not dizzy but not really well enough to sit up for a long period of time. I’m not really sure how to describe it.

It wasn’t until a week of it progressing, and quickly that I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was pretty sure there wasn’t any way I could BE pregnant but I just felt weird.

Normally, when you get pregnant by someone you’ve been dating for over a year and live with you’d probably assume hope you wouldn’t get the reaction I did.

So I went to take the pregnancy test. I was the first to see it since I was the one who went to check on it, it was boldy positive. And just a huge rush of emotions drowned me. I never wanted kids but I suddenly felt so very protective over it and I actually started crying. No joke, I was crying. I wasn’t sad. That was the surprising part and I wanted to tell my mom so badly. I was actually excited. Scared as fuck, but excited.

He went in after me to check the test.

He didn’t say anything.

He walked out, grabbed his phone and the first thing he said was “we need to find an abortion clinic.”

I don’t need to describe the emotions that came after that statement left his mouth.

He didn’t ask me how I felt. He didn’t ask me how I felt about it. He didn’t even acknowledge my reaction. He blankly walked out of the bathroom and grabbed his phone. That night while I was laying in bed he spammed me with links via text message of abortion clinics he found in our area.

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Weekly Recap; March 19th – 25th

I can’t believe how fast the month is going!

Two more weeks and Bubba will be here to spend a week with me for my birthday \o/ which also means… two more weeks until I turn 32. Ugh.I feel like I should feel old. I don’t look any older than 19 and I don’t act any older too, but I feel like time-wise, I could had done more with my life and my time. I don’t know exactly how since it’s not like I wasn’t trying or taking risks but sometimes things just don’t go as planned and that’s okay, what’s not okay is to sit around and mope about it like I have been for the passed few months now.

True things are harder without a car and things are harder when you’re doing them on your own but it’s the challenges in life that help us build who we ARE and to show us just how STRONG we can be if we just don’t quit.

Though quitting is so much easier than the other thing.

I feel like the majority of my 20’s was a waiting game. Waiting for a sign on what to do next. Waiting on a new dream/goal. Waiting for my marriage to magically fix itself. All of which didn’t happen so I feel like my 20’s were just me waiting around, for nothing. And I hate that and I hate thinking back to it but there’s nothing you can do about the past except plan better in the future.

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling, you’re not here for that today.

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Risking it although it’s hard…

I know I have not been here in forever and I always think back to updating this blog but it seems like… I don’t know. I have so much to say but not enough to say, if that makes sense? This year has been really tough on me; emotionally and mentally. I’ve gone on journey’s and I’ve gone into angry rages. I’ve tried simple yoga and meditation. I’ve researched mindfulness and I try to practice gratitude as often as I can. My mom has been sending me lots of cards with positive reminders and advice which has helped me every time I’ve fallen off the path I’m on. Right now I feel like I’m sitting on a rock within my path making faces at the ground because I don’t know… well I do. But honestly I’m lazy. This path is never ending. But I know if I just stick with it and if I just keep pushing instead of curling up into a ball in my closet wishing the day away I’ll get better and easier. I wish I could believe in myself the way people believe in me. Then again, no one would feel worthless if that were to actually happen and we’d never know personal struggle or personal improvement or what it’s like to strive for something, would we?

Those who know me in real life or on my social media sites probably had an indication that I was on my way to being separated/divorced by the time the summer had ended. A lot of really bad and hurtful stuff happened and I didn’t know what to do, all I knew was I wanted to get out as quickly as I could. That he would never understand the pain he put me through and maybe I should had written about it somewhere but I didn’t. I mostly just kept to myself and cried and at some points I didn’t even get out of bed until 5PM just to go back to bed at 8 or 9. It was seriously awful. As someone who wants to do ALL THE THINGS and who’s constantly making lists in her sleep and finding places to eat to not even being hungry. I lost 10 pounds in one month and I’m slowly gaining the weight back but I was SO sad at myself. I let myself down, it wasn’t about him or what he did anymore it was the fact that I disregarded myself and my health because of something someone else was doing to me. And that’s what got me into positive thinking, meditating, yoga, practicing gratitude… was that no one teaches you that YOU are capable of creating YOUR OWN happiness. That YOU should NEVER make SOMEONE ELSE responsible for your happiness. And I should had known this, right? I swear I knew this when I was younger. But just because you’re older and married doesn’t mean you should lose sight of the fact that if you can’t love yourself then how can you expect anyone else to love you?

Since then we’ve talked about it and I think we’re finally on a path to recovery. To being best friends again. To the communication we use to have with each other. It’s a slow process and it’s going to take a lot of time but the truth is people can give you all the advice they want (most of them being “you should break up with him and find someone else” like it’s that easy or not putting other factors into consideration) but it’s YOU who has to LIVE with the CHOICE you make. At the end of the day, at the end of your life, it’s still YOUR choice.

I came across this today and it totally just made an impact on everything that’s happened recently and in the last few months.

Pretty powerful, right? I think once the intimacy stops that’s when problems start. My husband is really into skin-to-skin contact. I remember when we were kids he use to do this thing when I’d get sad where he’d lift my shirt to expose my belly and lift his shirt to expose his and he’d rub our bellies together saying “belly rub! belly rub!” like seriously, how can you NOT cheer up after that? He’s obsessed with morning cuddles and spending time together. We both noticed the other doesn’t touch the other anymore. And so we say something. He always makes sure to grab my hand now even if we’ve literally just stepped out the door. And I remember if we were walking around my house back in CA, like to go downstairs or something he’d always hold my hand. He’d hold my hand while he was playing video games. He was constantly making skin-to-skin contact. I don’t get it, but apparently it’s something he needs. I’m happy with just being cuddled, as long as he doesn’t fall asleep cause then he’ll drool and I’ll be irritated.

Marriage is hard and it sucks how hard it is, no matter how long you’ve been together or what you’ve been through or what life will throw at you next. But when you think about it, really think about it, could you imagine your life without this person in it anymore? One thing that got to me was a good friend of mine recently divorced her husband, they had grown up together and were together for 10 years too and it just blew me away how easily she just let him go. She had this perfect fairytale wedding and this fairytale marriage that most people may never experience. At least I know my marriage will never be that cute or fairytale-ish and she just let it go like it was no big deal. Like he never meant anything to her and it’s just crazy, seeing someone go through that process over weeks. I could never imagine myself letting go of M that easily. It would be impossible. And I wouldn’t be able to let him go if I didn’t at least try to make things better. Like M always says; no one in this world knows us better than the other person. And though he was making rash mistakes I should had known better and I should had been more confident that no one knows him like I do. And no one ever will. And that the things he’s going through are his things and perhaps, though he had hurt me over and over, I should had asked him what was wrong. And that is the hardest part, knowing something is troubling your spouse and not having the courage to ask them to talk about it because their actions are hurting you.

And yeah, maybe that’s stupid to say because they shouldn’t be hurting you at all. But the reality of it is that we’re all human. We all have shit we’re dealing with. Shit that we’ll tell people and shit we won’t tell a soul. And there’s all this talk about when you get married you’re sacrificing everything for the other person because that’s what you agreed to. I half believe that’s true and I half don’t. You should still be able to BE YOU. And YOU should ALWAYS come first. Regardless if you’re married or not. So find that balance. Or surrender and show compassion first. Maybe the other person really needs it and doesn’t know how to ask for it. Or is too ashamed to, regardless of how well you know each other. And there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that.

You’re here to learn together and grow together. To help each other figure out this life thing.

At least, that’s my perspective on things.

Sometimes I just wanna quit, be normal for a bit

SPiNNiNG: Where’d You Go by Fort Minor

What is normal? I’m reading back on blogs from today 2007 and I do this thing where I block out shit. Any day to day shit from 2005 til now? I couldn’t really tell you. I remember bits and pieces and I block out everything else. So when I read back to my struggles and how hard and shitty life was it does something to me. I don’t know exactly what. It’s a feeling of missing those times (because I shopped like no ones business) but sad because my life has always been hard.

I wrote an entry yesterday on a private blog about how a favorite lifetime vice of mine when I’m down and out was always the answer but never the solution and I feel like that applies to a lot of things I do. In high school I was out of control and reckless and I would get into anything if it meant killing the pain. Numbing my mind and tricking myself into think that somewhere someone would want me. Even if it was for less than hour.

And I hurt people doing that and at the time I didn’t care, all I cared about was myself. My feelings. And I turned my back on people who would literally show up at my door just to see how I was doing. Who would pick up the phone and dial my number just to see if I was okay.

But people change, people are always changing.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I guess I just needed to talk. I needed to run through memories and piece it together.

I still don’t have my solution. And I’m still running to answers.

Except this time I don’t have people coming to my door or dialing my number to see if I’m okay.

I’m a blogger with no creativity

Guys, I’m gonna be real with you. Nitch blogging is no joke. It’s hard ass work. Sure at first when you’re all inspired and excited and see all the great things you’ll talk about out there it seems as easy as frosting an out of the box cupcake but then you hit the point where you’re just stumped. All the time.

I started blogging in 1999 when my mom finally agreed to let me sign up for AOL. Oh those dial-tones, they were a sound from the heavens! Honestly I started blogging because my mom didn’t know how to use the internet and she wouldn’t quit reading my handwritten journals. I was in high school by then — a freshmen, I had a lot of very private thoughts mom. Geez.

But back then it wasn’t called “blogging”. It was just called, you know, “writing in my online journal”. I started with OpenDiary (which is still up and wanna know a really really embarrassing secret? Only because if there’s anything I love more than food it’s sharing my embarrassing secrets. I blogged about the first time I did it. And I still go back to that very public entry and read it over and over and wow. Just wow.) along with TeenOpenDiary then moved on to DeadJournal, LiveJournal (back when you needed an invite code), Xanga, and various other places that didn’t make it. I miss CrazyLife and GreatestJournal the most.

Pretty much my whole fucked up teen-hood is publicly displayed online on one or two blogs. I regret nothing.

It wasn’t until 2009 I started nitch blogging mainly because by then no one cared about reading other peoples feelings. Even “lifestyle” blogs now that talk about their day/week is still considered a nitch blog. And I really got into makeup — finally. A little TOO into makeup actually. But I loved beauty blogging. I loved keeping up with the trends, playing with makeup and finding the products that worked well for me. It was a lot of fun but it was expensive and it got boring after awhile. So in 2010 I started a book blog and I’ve stuck with that ever since. Reading has always been a passion of mine growing up. I’ve always wanted to be an author and I can’t tell you why I’m not yet.

And now I have a ton of nitch blogs which is what I’m taking a break from right now because I’m stumped. The thing about nitch blogging is yeah, you can find a lot of things to write/review but to set your blog aside from everyone else in your category? Well that’s hard. Finding a way to build a foundation of loyal viewers (this goes for both blogging and YouTube) is a challenge and it takes a lot of hard work. Creating and keeping up with weekly features even though you have nothing to write for it? Hard. I’m not new to this, I’ve done this many many times but even now, I don’t know how to network my new blogs. I don’t know how to even start. I’m kinda just… lost.

The most I can do is put out good content at a steady pace and hope that someone thinks I’m witty enough to want to stick around.

The great thing about writing and blogging is that you’re always learning. There’s always something new to learn. Some new technique to try. And while this can be a frustrating and sometimes disgusting journey, I think that’s the best part — constantly learning.

Shadows, searching in the night…

There’s something about Don’t Stop Believing (the Glee version) that just makes me want to be productive. There’s also something about Lea Michele that makes me regret the fact that I stopped singing years ago.

When I’m not doing homework, laundry, cleaning, reading, blogging or sleeping I’m researching the publishing world. I’m part of a few writing critique sites asking questions, reading articles and just trying to figure things out. I’m not the type to research before diving head first into something but when it comes to writing I’m super hesitant. Which makes no sense since I’ve been writing (stories) since I was old enough to read.

But the stories I wrote as a kid are so much more different than the stories I’m trying to write now. My stories back then had no real plot, had no driving force and the characters were barely people. They pretty much based on just one emotion.

While I’m pretty good at making people up (I have exes that can confirm this), I for some reason can not make a character. I can’t write someone who’s suppose to be real. I can’t come up with quirks or traits or anything. It’s sort of like playing The Sims and sticking to default. I can come up with a plot, with twists, with conflict but I. Can. Not. Make. A. Damn. Character. This seriously baffles the hell out of me.

So right now I’m reading over my outline. Over and over and over and doing auto pilot things in hopes that my character will just come to me. But she’d rather be sitting over there *points at girl in dress sitting on a rock* and not speaking to me. How are you on non speaking terms with someone you haven’t even met yet?! Grrr.

Until D gets up to talk to me, I’ll be outlining my next idea. Which always presents itself right before I fall asleep and disappears when I wake up like it’s some game. Like it’s the Cheshire Cat or something. Grr. I had a slight idea to write novella’s of people/things I know in real life just as some sort of practice. I think it’ll be a good idea. Do you need to outline novella’s? I guess it’s up to the writer.

… then my mom walks in to say something pointless & I lost my train of thought *sigh.