Reflecting

For 12 years, I waited…

I took a Disney solo trip yesterday, the first time in two years! It’s crazy to notice how much my life has changed in the last two years, in the last 3 years, in the last 4 years. And how quickly and vastly it changed too.

I was walking through Tomorrowland in Magic Kingdom to get to Main Street so I could find a good spot for the Festival of Fantasy parade.

And as I was walking through Tomorrowland and passing the race cars, then the bathrooms, then the ice cream shop, making my way around People Mover (which I wanted to get on but I didn’t want to risk missing the parade), passing Buzz then Monster’s Laugh Floor I got hit with random memories.

In 2011 when myself and my then husband first did our Disney College Program he was put in Tomorrowland which at the time I thought was funny because right before our program I finally got around to watching Toy Story and fell in love with Buzz Lightyear. How ironic he was working that attraction. During his training he was with two girls — Allison and Zafi. Zafi seemed to have a crush on him from day one whereas him and Allison “naturally” just didn’t like each other. After their training was over the next thing I knew they were best friends and weeks after that going on best friend dates, whatever the fuck that even is.

Call me crazy but how could you possibly be best friends with a girl you hated just less than a month ago that you barely know? Maybe it’s just me but if I’m married to someone, I better be your only female best friend (besides if you’ve had one since you were a kid, that’s different. But no new bitches)! Every group of interns had a dance at the end of their program, I’ve always been insecure (or I was, I’m not anymore) about wearing dresses but a friend of mine went dress shopping with me for this dance. Everyone told me how cute I looked… everyone but my husband who didn’t say anything. Yet the next night after the dance I found text messages of him messaging Allison about how beautiful she looked or how pretty she was through out the week or how her hugs made him so happy he didn’t want to let go.

Clearly after finding shit like that you’d be curious to know what the FUCK is going on. Though he assured me nothing was going on as they kept going on “best friend dates”. They often took midnight trips to Wal-Mart, alone. There were rumors going on about them and one of his friends — Amy had dropped some info on my lap at one point. He found out I had been talking to Amy and got mad at me. That began the whole “I don’t want you coming to see me at work” and “I don’t want you talking to any of my friends”. So I was a bit banned from Tomorrowland, any time I would stop by when I was in Magic Kingdom just to say hi he would get angry. I often left heartbroken and sad; but one thing that always stopped me in my tracks was Wishes, the fireworks show. I would be on my way out as quickly as I could but Wishes always stopped me. I’d stand on Main Street and watch it until it was over.

Even years later and many girls of the same situation later; when I moved behind Magic Kingdom, the nights he’d leave me alone to hang out with yet another girl I wasn’t allowed to meet ever, I’d sit in front of my apartment on the curb and watch Wishes (without the music, but it was still just as magical).


For 12 years I waited for him to be a husband, considering he’s the one who wanted to get married in the first place. Not me.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against his family who would talk crap that didn’t make sense about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against one of his hoes who had something bad to say about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for that fairytale element of marriage where you’re in bed together at the end of the day talking about your day, it never happened.

For 12 years I waited for him to say, “hey, I know you’re stressed from school and work let me take you out to dinner”, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to… I don’t even know. But waiting for 12 years for things that were never going to happen was 12 years too long.

Everything that went wrong was naturally my fault. Everyone who had something bad to say about me I deserved it.

Things only got worse from Allison, maybe I’ll write about the others another day. But for now, I just needed to get this off of me.

I’m mad about the things that happened, the things that went on, the things that kept going on, the fact he couldn’t man up and apologize, at the way I was treated and how situations were handled. I knew I deserved MORE and BETTER than that and yet I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared I would never find a bond like the one I had with him. So I stayed, and kept getting pushed to the side for other people.

And now, years later, I wonder why. Why did I think I would never find a bond like the one I had with him? Why did I think that was as good as I was gonna get? That’s such an insane thought. There are 7 billion people in this world, who is he in the sea all of them?

And now, years later I’ve found someone who I have an even stronger bond with, a bond I didn’t think was even real. And for almost a year he’s helped me through every step of every single healing process that’s come up.

Reflecting

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

IMG_0665

Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Hello, Reflecting

So much anxiety, for such a small thing

I know I’m suppose to be doing my weekly recap but this week has just been… kinda awful.

My apartment has been taken over by fruit flies? House flies? I don’t even know but they’re fuckin everywhere and driving me fuckin nuts. My roommate left banana’s to rot on the counter and it attracted what feels like a whole planet of them. They’re all over my kitchen, living room and a good handful in my room.

I hate bugs in my home.

I HATE THEM.

It makes my OCD go CRAZY.

It makes my anxiety act up.

And now I’m dealing with the physical side effects of it all.

And I just want to cry. I just want to bury my head under my pillow, under my blankets and just SOB until I CANT BREATHE ANYMORE.

That might sound dramatic but you tell me how you’d feel when it feels like EVERY SINGLE NERVE YOU HAVE is on edge and you just feel like trashing the whole place and sobbing because your anxiety is driving you fuckin nuts.

I try SO HARD to keep this place as clean as I can and as bug free as I can. I pay SO MUCH damn money for this place and it just ANNOYS me when things like this happen. I’ve incredibly anal about keeping things tidy and prompt and clean and THIS is why I didn’t want a roommate. This is why I NEVER want one. Because I KNOW I can be anal about these things and I know I want things done MY WAY so why bother with disappointment and other people when I already KNOW these things about myself?

I wish I just had moved back to WC. I wish I had never left Orlando in the first place. And I can wish that — a million times for a million days but it’s not going to bring back, replace or erase the things that have already happened and the stupid choices I had already made.

I can sit here and wish that THAT year and a half NEVER HAPPENED as hard as I want to but had it not had happened I would had never found the friends and family I had found on FFXIV.  I would had never found Penny. I would had never found the strength I do have now because of it. Despite the price it cost me.

I’m just so upset and so sad right now.

I try so hard to keep this place as clean and as bug free as I can.

I try so hard to keep things tidy within what my anxiety lets me.

I feel like falling apart right now.

I know it’s not my fault and all this and that but it is MY HOME and even if people can’t do their part there’s no sense in getting mad at them or yelling at them about it. It’s just sad that they can’t.

On top of that Nick said earlier this week that he was going to bring my camera and drop it off at the front desk. He hadn’t said anything all week and so I text him today about it and he asks when am I gonna be home then he says that he didn’t bring it and he didn’t drive down to Orlando himself.

THEN WHY DID YOU ASK WHEN I’LL BE HOME. WHY COULDN’T YOU SAY YOU WEREN’T GONNA BE ABLE TO BRING IT THIS WEEKEND AHEAD OF TIME.

WHY.

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO UGH.

I’m gonna go take a hot bath and try to chill the fuck out for the rest of the night.