Reflecting

How do you do it, you got me losing every breath…

SPiNNiNG: Latch by Disclosure

On days or nights I get really bad anxiety or I just don’t feel like talking I tend to blast the hell out of this song — it reminds me a lot of when I first met Penny and how obsessed we were with each other. Of course, five months later it’s hardly like that anymore. That’s just the typical timeline of a relationship.

Last night was weird; the day was fine. Nothing triggered me, nothing really went on during the day. Everything was fine. I had a bit of a reality slap during my late lunch but it wasn’t anything epic or serious really. Just the realization that I don’t have a s/o’s company this holiday season is a thing that’s happening. And it made me realize I haven’t ever been alone alone since I was 17. Granted I was married for 11 years but still, the realization that you’ll be completely alone during the holidays after that long of not is something that can be hard to swallow sometimes. It definitely puts a little bit of a panic on my mind but I’ll be fine, I’m sure. It’ll just be… different. And a lot more empty. But people go through this all the time, right? It’s not fatal.

I got sent home from work early and did a little bit of shopping so I mean, that was pretty exciting and happy.

So I went home and I went to unpack the Christmas stuff and put away the Halloween stuff. I’m not happy with it just yet but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the place too. I still need to tidy and all of that — I’m hoping to get most of that done within the next week. Mostly because I’m tired of the mess around the place. And the boxes. But I found my small white tree that typically goes in my room. My theme this year are reds/browns/steampunk even though my room has white lights and garland. It’s whatever. One of these years I’ll go full on theme-y.

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It wasn’t until later that night that I got anxious and depressed and I couldn’t really figure out why. The last thing I remember was looking through the Christmas stuff that Nick had packed away and remembering what last Christmas was like — before he started being mean and how fun it was going all out with someone who was just as excited as you were to decorate the place. Our apartment was a Christmas wonderland last year. I loved it. I loved it so much. I was actually really sad when we had to take everything down.

But that isn’t really something to be sad about. And it was way random. I was always about making my own traditions and I have a good handful of them. Why should this year be any different? It shouldn’t.

But yet last night was still really rough and annoying anxiety-wise.

I just started feeling worthless and hopeless and not worth anyone’s time. I was basically throwing myself a really intense pity party and it’s been a good while since I’ve done any of that crap so I wasn’t too happy with myself because I’m suppose to be stronger than that. I’m suppose to get those thoughts out of my mind before they take over. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.

I’m a little better now though and I suppose that’s all that really matters.

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