Weekly Recap; Feb 12-Feb 18

I was suppose to spend Valentines Day weekend in Dallas with my boyfriend but I ended up missing my flight because I booked it on the wrong day. Yeah. That’s never happened before. It’s never happened that I didn’t check and double check either. The last few weeks have just been so stress filled that I haven’t been paying attention. I was pretty crushed because Valentines Day was pretty much ruined thanks to me. So I was feeling pretty disappointed at myself and down.

So I did a little bit of shopping, even though it didn’t really make me feel better. Penny ended up getting me even more stuff for Valentines Day. And surprisingly he managed to get my gift to me the day before Valentines Day!

My mom sent me a bunch of Lavender things to help me relax and ease my anxiety. I finished reading Scarlet by Marissa Meyer finally and loved it! I finished Cinder last year and it took me forever to get back into reading. I’m currently working on Cress now and I’m not enjoying it as much but it just started. I also got my Feb Graze box and I’m most excited about these two snacks I got!

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Word Vomit | Too Hopped Up on Drugs

So, 3 years ago I went through a pretty massive mental breakdown and despite the years of therapy I was in for my anxiety I made the choice I told myself I would never give in to — I got prescription drugs to help me cope with my sudden spike in anxiety because my marriage at the time was pretty much imploding on itself.

And you know, it wasn’t so bad. I mean adjusting sucked but besides that, it helped me achieve that sense of relief and calmness I needed to stop my mind (and my heart rate) to feel like it was trying to out dubstep each other each morning and night (which believe me, sucks up a lot more energy than you’d think on a daily basis). It helped me control my anger and my emotions and allowed me to get into meditation a little easier until I felt like I didn’t need the help of drugs as much anymore (though I still took Zoloft on a regular basis, I didn’t take Colozo as often anymore).

Fast forward to like a year or two ago; I started dating someone new who I *thought* at the time was a *decent* person. But turned out to be seriously awful as fuck. He forced me quit my meds cold turkey by force and that resulted in 3 months of withdrawal symptoms that he cared nothing about but watched me suffer and throw up constantly. So I’ve been without meds for almost 2 years now.

Fast forward to now — he took back my iPhone and my PS4 along with all the “stuff” he’s been so desperately been trying to get from my apartment that he left here (which turned out to be a snowboard, two speakers he never even wanted, a jar of rice, a throw pillow and 3 dvd’s). He’s been trying to find a reason to get INTO my apartment for MONTHS after I told him that he’s not allowed in my home EVER AGAIN. Yet he still kept trying to find reasons to come to my front door. I told him I’d leave his stuff at the front office so he wouldn’t have a reason to get through the gate but argued with me that I was being “irresponsible” for not giving him the stuff he left here back. Not to mention he didn’t even SAY anything about it until 3 months after he left and when he found out I was flying out to Texas to hang out with my new boyfriend. Clearly he didn’t care about his stuff THAT much if he NEVER SAID ANYTHING FOR THREE MONTHS. But yet, I’m the bad guy. As always. Okay. Makes sense. I guess.

But apparently now he’s telling my roommate that I did nothing around the apartment we lived in together (even though all he did was complain, trash the place and failed to do the only TWO chores I ever asked him — take out the trash and clean the cat liter), didn’t pay rent, didn’t pay bills, didn’t buy groceries, didn’t even pay for his own gas even though he was the one working (4 hours a day for 4 days a week but whatever) because I was too hopped up on drugs all the time.

Uhm… what drugs?

I’ve never been prescribed Xanax. I never had Zoloft in that apartment and the only thing I had was a bottle of Colozopam that I couldn’t even find until after I moved out of that apartment. But apparently those two drugs make you into a zombie that makes it so that you lay around doing nothing, right? Yeah, that’s TOTALLY what those two drugs do. I don’t see where people get their info from considering it’s not from doctors and they don’t give a shit enough to Google things. They just make up some sort of excuse or reason for things and RUN WITH IT into a fuckin wall because it makes no damn sense.

To which my roommate countered saying that I finish her laundry for her and fold her pants for her when I put them in her laundry bin when they’re done and place them in her room, I clean the kitchen, I make sure the cats have food and water, I do the dishes when she works too much and try and make sure the place is as clean as my anxiety allows me to.

Thanks Harmony <3.

To which he had no response for.

He also dared to say he missed my cat Sophie and how much he loved her. Except he would grab his cat Jane by her neck (I wouldn’t call what he did scruffing because she was clearly yelping for help), throw her on the couch and scream at her when she did any little bad thing.

But I. FREAKIN. GUESS.

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me. People will always pick and choose things about you to say to other people to make you look bad and them look good. Doesn’t mean it’s true. And even if they do tell others, the people who KNOW YOU (and the people who should MATTER) know better and know the real story. So the fact he’s going around saying things like that shouldn’t matter. Everyone knows what I do and what I don’t do. I don’t need to justify or defend myself. Not to mention he’ll tell anyone who listens that his mom has a “severe mental illness” when in reality she has anxiety and she just keeps to herself.

You can tell a lot about a person by what they say about their mama.

My blogs and social media are a timeline of my every day life. Go ahead, tell people this and that. But that’s not what the time stamps on my social media say.

Fuckin idiot.

Every little thing you do got me feeling some type of way…

 

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The beginning of everything

I always wondered how I never knew when I met you that you would mean so much to me worked. I mean yeah, I met people who ended up meaning a lot to me friendship-wise but romantically, I never really understood that. Normally when I meet someone I can tell almost immediately if they’ll be important to me or not.

This guy however, was a complete and utter mystery to me. A friend of mine pushed me to meet him for a pretty long while before I actually gave in to. I was in a pretty bad place at the time and I wasn’t up for meeting anyone.

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So much anxiety, for such a small thing

I know I’m suppose to be doing my weekly recap but this week has just been… kinda awful.

My apartment has been taken over by fruit flies? House flies? I don’t even know but they’re fuckin everywhere and driving me fuckin nuts. My roommate left banana’s to rot on the counter and it attracted what feels like a whole planet of them. They’re all over my kitchen, living room and a good handful in my room.

I hate bugs in my home.

I HATE THEM.

It makes my OCD go CRAZY.

It makes my anxiety act up.

And now I’m dealing with the physical side effects of it all.

And I just want to cry. I just want to bury my head under my pillow, under my blankets and just SOB until I CANT BREATHE ANYMORE.

That might sound dramatic but you tell me how you’d feel when it feels like EVERY SINGLE NERVE YOU HAVE is on edge and you just feel like trashing the whole place and sobbing because your anxiety is driving you fuckin nuts.

I try SO HARD to keep this place as clean as I can and as bug free as I can. I pay SO MUCH damn money for this place and it just ANNOYS me when things like this happen. I’ve incredibly anal about keeping things tidy and prompt and clean and THIS is why I didn’t want a roommate. This is why I NEVER want one. Because I KNOW I can be anal about these things and I know I want things done MY WAY so why bother with disappointment and other people when I already KNOW these things about myself?

I wish I just had moved back to WC. I wish I had never left Orlando in the first place. And I can wish that — a million times for a million days but it’s not going to bring back, replace or erase the things that have already happened and the stupid choices I had already made.

I can sit here and wish that THAT year and a half NEVER HAPPENED as hard as I want to but had it not had happened I would had never found the friends and family I had found on FFXIV.  I would had never found Penny. I would had never found the strength I do have now because of it. Despite the price it cost me.

I’m just so upset and so sad right now.

I try so hard to keep this place as clean and as bug free as I can.

I try so hard to keep things tidy within what my anxiety lets me.

I feel like falling apart right now.

I know it’s not my fault and all this and that but it is MY HOME and even if people can’t do their part there’s no sense in getting mad at them or yelling at them about it. It’s just sad that they can’t.

On top of that Nick said earlier this week that he was going to bring my camera and drop it off at the front desk. He hadn’t said anything all week and so I text him today about it and he asks when am I gonna be home then he says that he didn’t bring it and he didn’t drive down to Orlando himself.

THEN WHY DID YOU ASK WHEN I’LL BE HOME. WHY COULDN’T YOU SAY YOU WEREN’T GONNA BE ABLE TO BRING IT THIS WEEKEND AHEAD OF TIME.

WHY.

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO UGH.

I’m gonna go take a hot bath and try to chill the fuck out for the rest of the night.

WEEKLY RECAP | JAN 15-21 2017

Do I go out every Saturday? This is starting to look like a trend…

Let’s see how this passed week ended up! Shall we?

It started with lots of Sophie hugs. I love how she’ll wrap her tail around my leg, do her little feet shuffle and look up at me. Gah I love this little girl so much! I decided to burn the rest of my Limoncello Poptail candle since it was pretty much almost gone anyway. I love this candle, I don’t even remember buying it but I’m glad I did! The American Home Lemon Cupcake candle was a disappointment with its non existent scent throw so I did the Wal-Mart wax melts inside my Yankee Candle tart warmer (seriously my favorite thing to do — I wish YC would sell empty plastic cups so I wouldn’t have to empty them myself) and this combo is seriously lemon heaven. Mm! I can’t get enough! Also, a house fly decided to die in my freshly made bubble bath… again. This is getting old guys, just stop.

 

I spent one of the days getting BurgerFi (it’s been awhile) which I loveeee. I got my burger wrapped in lettuce like I normally do, a “cry and fry” I hate onion rings normally but I love theirs! And their fries! With a root beer float. Their frozen custard is SO good. I wish I lived closer to one like I use to so I could just pop in for some frozen custard. My Uber driver there was this sweet older lady who I had so much fun talking to! After BurgerFi I headed over to Walgreens since I needed to restock on my disinfectant’s (I prefer Walgreens brand because they’re cheaper and they don’t have harsh chemicals like Lysol does that dry out and fuck up my hands). I also scouted the makeup to see what’s new which was A LOT of Wet N’ Wild and some Jordana liquid lippies. I picked up one, I shoulda picked up more… they were only $5 and the colors were so hard to pick from! They didn’t have my Essie polish I was looking for… booo. It’s probs better that way though. Then I walked over to Publix (it was such a pretty day out and that plaza is one of my favs that I don’t go to enough, I should though!) where I found out I hit 94 pounds… without the excessive kickboxing class. Huh. Maybe that whole you-gain-weight-when-you-age thing is catching up to me? Who knows. All I know is that it’s starting to cause tummy pudge and I need to do crunches and start running again… both of which I hate. But they work. I found the whole set of my green apple shampoo at Publix, hooray! I love this scent but I can’t find it anywhere else but Publix! So weird…

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The Return of Anxiety

The last week and a half I feel like I’m just… floating on by.

It’s crazy when anxiety hits you because one minute you could be totally fine and the next minute, without cause or reason, literally out of nowhere suddenly you’re really really not.

I get anxiety for a lot of reasons — there’s a lot of things that have happened recently that I know I haven’t settled within myself. I haven’t taken the time to grieve, to pull the events that took place apart just to put them back together to make more sense to me. I don’t write about things like that anymore, I don’t blog about them, I try not to talk about them. And I don’t know why, I don’t know why I stopped. I always feel like I can take on the world by myself; that this problem is mine and mine alone. But as of late I’ve just been… ignoring them. I tell myself that these things are over and done with and there’s no reason to be upset or hold grudges or mourn. Like doesn’t stop for anyone. So keep your head up, smile and remember that despite the things that have happened the important thing is that those days are over and they’re not coming back. You’re okay now. You’re safe now. You’re loved now. There’s no need for fear or worry. There’s so much in life to be thankful and happy about now. There’s SO MUCH.

But if you have anxiety, you know that even telling yourself of all the positives sometimes that shit just creeps up on you and smacks you upside the head like hey, remember me? Of course I do, can’t forget someone who won’t go away.

I’ve been drained the last week and a half. I haven’t felt like doing anything and I didn’t get anything done. I did clean my kitchen which I think triggered everything; cleaning a mess that isn’t mine and having to do this shit all over again. It’s the little things, isn’t it? That always fuck with your head when you least expect it. All I know is that I’ve been in a bad mood overall and easily irritated by the littest things and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I’ve been hating hot baths, phone calls, text messages — I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I just wanna be left alone. And I keep crying.

On the upside, I keep forgetting to take anti anxiety meds (which I only take now on weeks like this which doesn’t happen often at all). So it must not be that bad if I keep forgetting, right?

And today I decided to get up, appreciate the sunshine and get back to work.

Anxiety is always going to come back, but it’s up to me to decide how I’m going to handle it.

It helps I have an amazing boyfriend who will call even when he has work early the next morning and talk to me to calm me down and make sure that I’m really okay before he even thinks about going to sleep. Who can tell when my vibe has changed and will make me laugh or watch a movie or a TV show with me and wait until I’m ready to talk about it. He might not know anything about depression or anxiety but he sure does know how to ease most of it when it shows up and for that I’m incredibly thankful.

I’ve been drowning myself in slow jams and feel good music to try and change my mood. So far it’s working.

 

Weekly Recap | Jan 8-14 2017

When you realize your week was much more full of product shots than what your week was actually… about.

 

I started transitioning from Winter to Spring; I don’t know why Kurmoi felt the need to push Kerropi over but she’s rude af. I’m loving the Bath & Body Works Lemon Zest energy aromatherapy candle. Wish I had grabbed more than 2 but I’m sure it’ll come back for the next semi annual sale (and I’ll be there to grab it again)!

I also started reading (and finished) The Cozy Life. I’m trying to include more Hygge into my lifestyle.

 

I filmed an unboxing video and actually posted it. I unboxed my Sanrio Small Crate that Bubba got me for Christmas, you can see the video here.

I used my new IT Cosmetics CC cream and I love it! It feels so good on the skin! I also used my Too Faced Peach Palette for the first time and I totally dig it. I wish I was more creative with my looks but it’s a work in progress.

I headed to Target to see if they had any more Valentines Day stuff — which they did — but I didn’t really end up picking anything up. I did get a drink from Starbucks which OMG I miss those on a daily basis (no pic cause I drank it too fast). I did spot some new candles from Target and I picked up one of the Pineapple Cake ones which smelled amazing on cold sniff but it doesn’t have a good scent throw sadly… and wasn’t really worth the $10 if you ask me. Also headed to VS to pick up more panties cause I’m in love with the way the PINK panties feel! Also grabbed some more stuff from their semi annual sale too like the hand cream and lip products. The rest of the stuff was my first round there earlier this month.

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Top 5 Songs of 2016

I try to do one of these every year. Here’s the one I did for 2015. It’s always interesting to see what music did I listen to the most that year and with the help of Spotify I can look back without having to really think too hard. Although the list isn’t 100% accurate it’s still a bigger help than relying on my own memory lol! It doesn’t say what I listened to in the very beginning of the year but it does list some of my most listened to jams. Narrowing it down to 5 is gonna be the hard part!

Jealous by Beyonce







I was going through some stages of jealousy earlier in the year and this song along with Feelin Myself really helped me cope with that especially since I wasn’t “allowed” to talk about being jealous. Some people just aren’t worth your time and I get that now, thaaaaaaank god.

Oh also! Can’t forget Formation by Beyonce. I immediately fell in love with this track! So much that since I couldn’t find it I straight bought it on iTunes and played it non stop for weeks. I did not come to play with you hoes, I came to slayyyyy bitch!

Latch by Disclosure







This I would say was the one jam that I had on steady repeat for months. I still listen to it now. It reminds me of a brand new start and just good feelings and good times and lots of laughs. Religious by Ne-Yo does that too. Mostly of 6am morning talks that spanned all day long and talking about how I should own Nikes. Whatever lol.

Wind It Up by Todrick Hall







Picking the Todrick Hall jam of the year was a hard one considering that I’m IN LOVE with his whole Out of Oz album. Todrick was a discovery for the year thanks to my boyfriend Penny who introduced me to him during our nights we’d watch and share YouTube videos with each other. But I thought it was only right to go with the first song I was introduced to which is still one of my favs! And can we just talk about how he slays that Teddy Bear outfit? Like… can I do that?

In case you were curious to know what my favorite track from his Out of Oz album is… just gonna… leave this here.

Company by Tinashe









I fell in love with this song and this was another discovery for me. It just has that beat to it and it makes me miss my life in Cali — going to clubs and doing hoodrat shit with my cousin in San Francisco causing trouble and swerving on people. I should really take a trip back home soon! This video also inspires me to go to the gym and run my ass off. I’d love to be one of those sexy skinny girls instead of just… a skinny girl.

All Be So Simple by Mike B.







I fell in love with Hip Hop Jazz and I hella added this after I finished this list, but whatever! I HAD to include it in this list! This song opened up a whole new world for me and maybe a lifestyle change. I love how calming this track is. I just hate how I can’t find it on Spotify or anything, it’s just on Soundcloud and YouTube *sigh*.

Crush by Yuna





Another discovery thanks to my friend Chewy/Jessica. I immediately fell in love with this song that she suggested after I said I was looking for Hip Hop Jazz jams (which is another discovery!) and I just love that old school R&B vibe it gives off. Helps that Usher is on that track and actually singing too. Oh how I’ve missed old school Usher!

How Far I’ll Go from Moana







Okay okay, I had to include this because of REASONS. Reasons that I should just write a whole ‘nother blog post about. Like, this whole movie soundtrack was amazing! But this song is one that me and Penny would heavily repeat for like weeks. We’ve just now weened ourselves off of it.

Cause yo, yo… there’s a line where the sky meets the sea… and it calls me.

I definitely like the reprise version better though.

Yeah, I think I’ll write a whole ‘nother blog post on this cause it was just THAT good.

H O N O R A B L E    M E N T I O N S



Love Is an Open Door from Frozen

The Feeling by Justin Bieber

YouTube Hip Hop Jam

Feeling U, Feeling Me by Alicia Keys

Headlines by Drake

Dear No One by Tori Kelly

Buried Alive by Logic

Jealous by Nick Joans

Closer (cover) by William Singe




I’m glad I found so many different songs that I fell in love with. I love how there’s a string of songs that describe the timeline of me and Penny’s relationship.

What were some of your favorite songs of 2016?

Hello 2017!

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Seven days in and I’m already slacking!

Goooooooosh.

This year my #onelittleword is g r o w ].

And I have a lot of growing to do. As hard as that is to say. But the truth is, the last two years have been a huge huge mess. And I have a lot to think about and a lot of rediscovering to do within myself.

I’m usually really good at coming up with goals and resolutions for the upcoming year in November. That didn’t happen this time around and I’m struggling with not being disappointed with myself.

2016 was a really hard year. I wish I had recorded more of the hard part just so years from now I can look back and say I can’t believe I picked myself up from that. Depression and struggle use to be my driving force to write. It was my therapy my whole childhood. Why did that stop now? Because the subjects and topics were too controversial? Because I was afraid of offending people? Because people are less understanding and less forgiving when they don’t know the situation? At the end of the day their opinions don’t sleep in my bed or dictate my life. I use to be this blunt, straight forward, idgaf kind of chick and I loved that about myself… then I got scared. And people shouldn’t change who you are, no matter WHO they are.

What do I hope to accomplish by the end of 2017?

Growth.

Mostly.

  • I hope to read 36 books
  • I hope to be able to create a recap video like this one
  • I hope to have a damn near regular blogging schedule
  • I hope to revamp my hazearella instagram feed
  • I hope to be more active on my hazearella twitter
  • I hope to build hermagicandmadness
  • I hope to discover 5 new resturants (yeah we’re back to this)
  • I hope to level my FFXIV Axelyn‘s WHM, BLM, CUL, Fishing, Mining and Weaver to 60
  • I hope to take more pictures
  • I hope to film more of my life
  • I hope to film more YouTube videos
  • I hope to incorporate more Hygge into my life
  • I hope to learn more French
  • I hope to incorporate meditation back into my life
  • I hope to discover more favorite’s
  • I hope to start making lists again
  • I hope to tidy my life
  • I hope to take one step closer to figuring it out

 

I don’t have any extreme goals like I normally do. And I’m sure I’ll add more goals as I think of them. I’m trying to be more realistic about my goals and I’m trying to learn to trust the process as much as I don’t enjoy it.

So here’s to making more memories at 2017.
Finding more joys.
Discovering more favorites.
And growing.

Christmas Eve details <3

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!

I was waiting for Bubz to get home from work but he ended up caught up in family stuff so… no dailies and no movie tonight /shrug. Haha long distance probs! It’s all good though, I’ll stay up to open gifts still. Just, three more hours!

I’ll probably craft some on FFXIV and run my crafting dailies. I need to make that gil yo.

I ordered Chinese take out too.

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I realized I don’t really have any Christmas Eve/Day food traditions or any Christmas Eve/Day traditions at all really. Like I said before, I never was really into the idea of actual Christmas. So this is kinda, new. Surprisingly. I do tend to eat Chinese though, but I also crave it on Christmas. It’s just a little harder when you don’t have family or anything with you. Even if it has been 3 years in a row, it doesn’t really get any easier.

It’s totally fine though.

Peace and quiet is nice too.

I haven’t watched any of my Christmas/Winter movies yet which kinda sucks. I kinda forgot about them and I didn’t read Dash and Lily’s Book of Dares this year either.

But like I also mentioned, this year has been kinda rough. So I can’t really expect myself to dabble in the same usual things and that’s fine. There’s always next year. Hell, I celebrate Christmas up until the first week of January, there’s still time!

I’m really looking forward to Spring colors and Valentines Day and Spring scents now lol. But that will come soon enough.

For tonight I’ll do some FFXIV stuff, read a little and maybe watch Serendipity while I wait for midnight to roll by.