WEEKLY RECAP | JAN 15-21 2017

Do I go out every Saturday? This is starting to look like a trend…

Let’s see how this passed week ended up! Shall we?

It started with lots of Sophie hugs. I love how she’ll wrap her tail around my leg, do her little feet shuffle and look up at me. Gah I love this little girl so much! I decided to burn the rest of my Limoncello Poptail candle since it was pretty much almost gone anyway. I love this candle, I don’t even remember buying it but I’m glad I did! The American Home Lemon Cupcake candle was a disappointment with its non existent scent throw so I did the Wal-Mart wax melts inside my Yankee Candle tart warmer (seriously my favorite thing to do — I wish YC would sell empty plastic cups so I wouldn’t have to empty them myself) and this combo is seriously lemon heaven. Mm! I can’t get enough! Also, a house fly decided to die in my freshly made bubble bath… again. This is getting old guys, just stop.

 

I spent one of the days getting BurgerFi (it’s been awhile) which I loveeee. I got my burger wrapped in lettuce like I normally do, a “cry and fry” I hate onion rings normally but I love theirs! And their fries! With a root beer float. Their frozen custard is SO good. I wish I lived closer to one like I use to so I could just pop in for some frozen custard. My Uber driver there was this sweet older lady who I had so much fun talking to! After BurgerFi I headed over to Walgreens since I needed to restock on my disinfectant’s (I prefer Walgreens brand because they’re cheaper and they don’t have harsh chemicals like Lysol does that dry out and fuck up my hands). I also scouted the makeup to see what’s new which was A LOT of Wet N’ Wild and some Jordana liquid lippies. I picked up one, I shoulda picked up more… they were only $5 and the colors were so hard to pick from! They didn’t have my Essie polish I was looking for… booo. It’s probs better that way though. Then I walked over to Publix (it was such a pretty day out and that plaza is one of my favs that I don’t go to enough, I should though!) where I found out I hit 94 pounds… without the excessive kickboxing class. Huh. Maybe that whole you-gain-weight-when-you-age thing is catching up to me? Who knows. All I know is that it’s starting to cause tummy pudge and I need to do crunches and start running again… both of which I hate. But they work. I found the whole set of my green apple shampoo at Publix, hooray! I love this scent but I can’t find it anywhere else but Publix! So weird…

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The Return of Anxiety

The last week and a half I feel like I’m just… floating on by.

It’s crazy when anxiety hits you because one minute you could be totally fine and the next minute, without cause or reason, literally out of nowhere suddenly you’re really really not.

I get anxiety for a lot of reasons — there’s a lot of things that have happened recently that I know I haven’t settled within myself. I haven’t taken the time to grieve, to pull the events that took place apart just to put them back together to make more sense to me. I don’t write about things like that anymore, I don’t blog about them, I try not to talk about them. And I don’t know why, I don’t know why I stopped. I always feel like I can take on the world by myself; that this problem is mine and mine alone. But as of late I’ve just been… ignoring them. I tell myself that these things are over and done with and there’s no reason to be upset or hold grudges or mourn. Like doesn’t stop for anyone. So keep your head up, smile and remember that despite the things that have happened the important thing is that those days are over and they’re not coming back. You’re okay now. You’re safe now. You’re loved now. There’s no need for fear or worry. There’s so much in life to be thankful and happy about now. There’s SO MUCH.

But if you have anxiety, you know that even telling yourself of all the positives sometimes that shit just creeps up on you and smacks you upside the head like hey, remember me? Of course I do, can’t forget someone who won’t go away.

I’ve been drained the last week and a half. I haven’t felt like doing anything and I didn’t get anything done. I did clean my kitchen which I think triggered everything; cleaning a mess that isn’t mine and having to do this shit all over again. It’s the little things, isn’t it? That always fuck with your head when you least expect it. All I know is that I’ve been in a bad mood overall and easily irritated by the littest things and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I’ve been hating hot baths, phone calls, text messages — I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I just wanna be left alone. And I keep crying.

On the upside, I keep forgetting to take anti anxiety meds (which I only take now on weeks like this which doesn’t happen often at all). So it must not be that bad if I keep forgetting, right?

And today I decided to get up, appreciate the sunshine and get back to work.

Anxiety is always going to come back, but it’s up to me to decide how I’m going to handle it.

It helps I have an amazing boyfriend who will call even when he has work early the next morning and talk to me to calm me down and make sure that I’m really okay before he even thinks about going to sleep. Who can tell when my vibe has changed and will make me laugh or watch a movie or a TV show with me and wait until I’m ready to talk about it. He might not know anything about depression or anxiety but he sure does know how to ease most of it when it shows up and for that I’m incredibly thankful.

I’ve been drowning myself in slow jams and feel good music to try and change my mood. So far it’s working.

 

Weekly Recap | Jan 8-14 2017

When you realize your week was much more full of product shots than what your week was actually… about.

 

I started transitioning from Winter to Spring; I don’t know why Kurmoi felt the need to push Kerropi over but she’s rude af. I’m loving the Bath & Body Works Lemon Zest energy aromatherapy candle. Wish I had grabbed more than 2 but I’m sure it’ll come back for the next semi annual sale (and I’ll be there to grab it again)!

I also started reading (and finished) The Cozy Life. I’m trying to include more Hygge into my lifestyle.

 

I filmed an unboxing video and actually posted it. I unboxed my Sanrio Small Crate that Bubba got me for Christmas, you can see the video here.

I used my new IT Cosmetics CC cream and I love it! It feels so good on the skin! I also used my Too Faced Peach Palette for the first time and I totally dig it. I wish I was more creative with my looks but it’s a work in progress.

I headed to Target to see if they had any more Valentines Day stuff — which they did — but I didn’t really end up picking anything up. I did get a drink from Starbucks which OMG I miss those on a daily basis (no pic cause I drank it too fast). I did spot some new candles from Target and I picked up one of the Pineapple Cake ones which smelled amazing on cold sniff but it doesn’t have a good scent throw sadly… and wasn’t really worth the $10 if you ask me. Also headed to VS to pick up more panties cause I’m in love with the way the PINK panties feel! Also grabbed some more stuff from their semi annual sale too like the hand cream and lip products. The rest of the stuff was my first round there earlier this month.

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Top 5 Songs of 2016

I try to do one of these every year. Here’s the one I did for 2015. It’s always interesting to see what music did I listen to the most that year and with the help of Spotify I can look back without having to really think too hard. Although the list isn’t 100% accurate it’s still a bigger help than relying on my own memory lol! It doesn’t say what I listened to in the very beginning of the year but it does list some of my most listened to jams. Narrowing it down to 5 is gonna be the hard part!

Jealous by Beyonce







I was going through some stages of jealousy earlier in the year and this song along with Feelin Myself really helped me cope with that especially since I wasn’t “allowed” to talk about being jealous. Some people just aren’t worth your time and I get that now, thaaaaaaank god.

Oh also! Can’t forget Formation by Beyonce. I immediately fell in love with this track! So much that since I couldn’t find it I straight bought it on iTunes and played it non stop for weeks. I did not come to play with you hoes, I came to slayyyyy bitch!

Latch by Disclosure







This I would say was the one jam that I had on steady repeat for months. I still listen to it now. It reminds me of a brand new start and just good feelings and good times and lots of laughs. Religious by Ne-Yo does that too. Mostly of 6am morning talks that spanned all day long and talking about how I should own Nikes. Whatever lol.

Wind It Up by Todrick Hall







Picking the Todrick Hall jam of the year was a hard one considering that I’m IN LOVE with his whole Out of Oz album. Todrick was a discovery for the year thanks to my boyfriend Penny who introduced me to him during our nights we’d watch and share YouTube videos with each other. But I thought it was only right to go with the first song I was introduced to which is still one of my favs! And can we just talk about how he slays that Teddy Bear outfit? Like… can I do that?

In case you were curious to know what my favorite track from his Out of Oz album is… just gonna… leave this here.

Company by Tinashe









I fell in love with this song and this was another discovery for me. It just has that beat to it and it makes me miss my life in Cali — going to clubs and doing hoodrat shit with my cousin in San Francisco causing trouble and swerving on people. I should really take a trip back home soon! This video also inspires me to go to the gym and run my ass off. I’d love to be one of those sexy skinny girls instead of just… a skinny girl.

All Be So Simple by Mike B.







I fell in love with Hip Hop Jazz and I hella added this after I finished this list, but whatever! I HAD to include it in this list! This song opened up a whole new world for me and maybe a lifestyle change. I love how calming this track is. I just hate how I can’t find it on Spotify or anything, it’s just on Soundcloud and YouTube *sigh*.

Crush by Yuna





Another discovery thanks to my friend Chewy/Jessica. I immediately fell in love with this song that she suggested after I said I was looking for Hip Hop Jazz jams (which is another discovery!) and I just love that old school R&B vibe it gives off. Helps that Usher is on that track and actually singing too. Oh how I’ve missed old school Usher!

How Far I’ll Go from Moana







Okay okay, I had to include this because of REASONS. Reasons that I should just write a whole ‘nother blog post about. Like, this whole movie soundtrack was amazing! But this song is one that me and Penny would heavily repeat for like weeks. We’ve just now weened ourselves off of it.

Cause yo, yo… there’s a line where the sky meets the sea… and it calls me.

I definitely like the reprise version better though.

Yeah, I think I’ll write a whole ‘nother blog post on this cause it was just THAT good.

H O N O R A B L E    M E N T I O N S



Love Is an Open Door from Frozen

The Feeling by Justin Bieber

YouTube Hip Hop Jam

Feeling U, Feeling Me by Alicia Keys

Headlines by Drake

Dear No One by Tori Kelly

Buried Alive by Logic

Jealous by Nick Joans

Closer (cover) by William Singe




I’m glad I found so many different songs that I fell in love with. I love how there’s a string of songs that describe the timeline of me and Penny’s relationship.

What were some of your favorite songs of 2016?

Hello 2017!

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Seven days in and I’m already slacking!

Goooooooosh.

This year my #onelittleword is g r o w ].

And I have a lot of growing to do. As hard as that is to say. But the truth is, the last two years have been a huge huge mess. And I have a lot to think about and a lot of rediscovering to do within myself.

I’m usually really good at coming up with goals and resolutions for the upcoming year in November. That didn’t happen this time around and I’m struggling with not being disappointed with myself.

2016 was a really hard year. I wish I had recorded more of the hard part just so years from now I can look back and say I can’t believe I picked myself up from that. Depression and struggle use to be my driving force to write. It was my therapy my whole childhood. Why did that stop now? Because the subjects and topics were too controversial? Because I was afraid of offending people? Because people are less understanding and less forgiving when they don’t know the situation? At the end of the day their opinions don’t sleep in my bed or dictate my life. I use to be this blunt, straight forward, idgaf kind of chick and I loved that about myself… then I got scared. And people shouldn’t change who you are, no matter WHO they are.

What do I hope to accomplish by the end of 2017?

Growth.

Mostly.

  • I hope to read 36 books
  • I hope to be able to create a recap video like this one
  • I hope to have a damn near regular blogging schedule
  • I hope to revamp my hazearella instagram feed
  • I hope to be more active on my hazearella twitter
  • I hope to build hermagicandmadness
  • I hope to discover 5 new resturants (yeah we’re back to this)
  • I hope to level my FFXIV Axelyn‘s WHM, BLM, CUL, Fishing, Mining and Weaver to 60
  • I hope to take more pictures
  • I hope to film more of my life
  • I hope to film more YouTube videos
  • I hope to incorporate more Hygge into my life
  • I hope to learn more French
  • I hope to incorporate meditation back into my life
  • I hope to discover more favorite’s
  • I hope to start making lists again
  • I hope to tidy my life
  • I hope to take one step closer to figuring it out

 

I don’t have any extreme goals like I normally do. And I’m sure I’ll add more goals as I think of them. I’m trying to be more realistic about my goals and I’m trying to learn to trust the process as much as I don’t enjoy it.

So here’s to making more memories at 2017.
Finding more joys.
Discovering more favorites.
And growing.

Christmas Eve details <3

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!

I was waiting for Bubz to get home from work but he ended up caught up in family stuff so… no dailies and no movie tonight /shrug. Haha long distance probs! It’s all good though, I’ll stay up to open gifts still. Just, three more hours!

I’ll probably craft some on FFXIV and run my crafting dailies. I need to make that gil yo.

I ordered Chinese take out too.

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I realized I don’t really have any Christmas Eve/Day food traditions or any Christmas Eve/Day traditions at all really. Like I said before, I never was really into the idea of actual Christmas. So this is kinda, new. Surprisingly. I do tend to eat Chinese though, but I also crave it on Christmas. It’s just a little harder when you don’t have family or anything with you. Even if it has been 3 years in a row, it doesn’t really get any easier.

It’s totally fine though.

Peace and quiet is nice too.

I haven’t watched any of my Christmas/Winter movies yet which kinda sucks. I kinda forgot about them and I didn’t read Dash and Lily’s Book of Dares this year either.

But like I also mentioned, this year has been kinda rough. So I can’t really expect myself to dabble in the same usual things and that’s fine. There’s always next year. Hell, I celebrate Christmas up until the first week of January, there’s still time!

I’m really looking forward to Spring colors and Valentines Day and Spring scents now lol. But that will come soon enough.

For tonight I’ll do some FFXIV stuff, read a little and maybe watch Serendipity while I wait for midnight to roll by.

“I’m going to make up for every bad Christmas you’ve had.”

Oh, love.

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The gifts on top are the gifts Bubz had me open the first night I was in Texas and the gifts in the bottom pic were the ones he was suppose to ship the second day I was there but we decided against it and I ended up opening an hour before my flight because they wouldn’t fit in my luggage packed. Shame! They would had looked nice under my tree T.T but so I ended up opening more gifts lol. I didn’t take a pic of them because I was in such a rush to get to the airport which was sad all on its own already. I’ll take a huge pic of everything after Christmas. Or a video. Because goodness this boy sure did spoil the beejbus out of me!

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The gifts I didn’t open that I can’t open until Christmas Eve. I moved the tree down though, you’ll see why in a bit.

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And the gifts that came yesterday!

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How do you do it, you got me losing every breath…

SPiNNiNG: Latch by Disclosure

On days or nights I get really bad anxiety or I just don’t feel like talking I tend to blast the hell out of this song — it reminds me a lot of when I first met Penny and how obsessed we were with each other. Of course, five months later it’s hardly like that anymore. That’s just the typical timeline of a relationship.

Last night was weird; the day was fine. Nothing triggered me, nothing really went on during the day. Everything was fine. I had a bit of a reality slap during my late lunch but it wasn’t anything epic or serious really. Just the realization that I don’t have a s/o’s company this holiday season is a thing that’s happening. And it made me realize I haven’t ever been alone alone since I was 17. Granted I was married for 11 years but still, the realization that you’ll be completely alone during the holidays after that long of not is something that can be hard to swallow sometimes. It definitely puts a little bit of a panic on my mind but I’ll be fine, I’m sure. It’ll just be… different. And a lot more empty. But people go through this all the time, right? It’s not fatal.

I got sent home from work early and did a little bit of shopping so I mean, that was pretty exciting and happy.

So I went home and I went to unpack the Christmas stuff and put away the Halloween stuff. I’m not happy with it just yet but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the place too. I still need to tidy and all of that — I’m hoping to get most of that done within the next week. Mostly because I’m tired of the mess around the place. And the boxes. But I found my small white tree that typically goes in my room. My theme this year are reds/browns/steampunk even though my room has white lights and garland. It’s whatever. One of these years I’ll go full on theme-y.

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It wasn’t until later that night that I got anxious and depressed and I couldn’t really figure out why. The last thing I remember was looking through the Christmas stuff that Nick had packed away and remembering what last Christmas was like — before he started being mean and how fun it was going all out with someone who was just as excited as you were to decorate the place. Our apartment was a Christmas wonderland last year. I loved it. I loved it so much. I was actually really sad when we had to take everything down.

But that isn’t really something to be sad about. And it was way random. I was always about making my own traditions and I have a good handful of them. Why should this year be any different? It shouldn’t.

But yet last night was still really rough and annoying anxiety-wise.

I just started feeling worthless and hopeless and not worth anyone’s time. I was basically throwing myself a really intense pity party and it’s been a good while since I’ve done any of that crap so I wasn’t too happy with myself because I’m suppose to be stronger than that. I’m suppose to get those thoughts out of my mind before they take over. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.

I’m a little better now though and I suppose that’s all that really matters.

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When Your Partner Has Anxiety: A Meltdown Guide

FOR ANYONE DATING ANYONE WITH ANXIETY OR DEPRESSION:

1) DO STAY CALM
2) DONT ASK THEM TO MAKE DECISIONS
3) DO TAKE CONTROL
4) DONT ASSUME THEY CAN ASK FOR WHAT THEY NEED

I can’t even BREATHE when I’m having an anxiety attack asking me over and over again “what’s wrong” will make me literally want to beat your head in. Wouldn’t you think if I KNEW what was WRONG I wouldn’t be flipping the fuck out? It’s like your mind just short circuits and you can’t think straight. You don’t know why your heart is beating so rapidly or why you’re having a hard time breathing and the only thing you can think of is CALM DOWN. Cause if you don’t calm down it will only get worse. And I know in my case when it gets worse I start trying to destroy things because I get angry that I can’t calm down.

The best thing to do is either squeeze the person in a tight hug until their breathing starts to slow down or distract them. And be stern about it and make it something small, not something that would require thinking.

Just saying.

Kyla Rose Sims

TW: I swear a lot in this article.

What do you do when your partner is having a panic attack or a depressive episode?

It can be really scary and super frustrating watching someone you lovego through an episode, especially if you don’t know how to be helpful.

This Meltdown Guide was created to help those of you who are in love with people who struggle with anxiety and depression to feel like you can be helpful when your partner seems to be spiraling.

View original post 1,554 more words

30days

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How did it go from 40-something days to just thirty?

One month.

In 30 days I’ll be in another state probably freaking the hell out.

I’m sure freaking the hell out.

104% sure I’ll be freaking the hell out.

So 30 days from now I can look back on this blog post and remind myself that you were sitting in your room, listening to Congratulations by Ne-Yo, thinking of spraying down your closet with body spray — again, taking a break from NaNoWriMo, freaking out.

I hope you’re having fun future Hazel, just sayin.

Maybe I should start at the beginning?

One day I met a boy.

And he was all over the place.

Literally.

He was dropped into my life 2 days after a very traumatic situation and 1 day after getting my heart broken.

But he made me laugh.

And after spending a little bit of time with him and taking screen shots (the one where my character is wearing pink is still one of my favorite screen shots we’ve ever taken — and it was the day I asked if he had a mat I needed for something I wanted so he came and found me while I was fishing and decided to hang out with me for awhile, after that we just kept hanging out) we kinda just clicked. I added him on Facebook and started a poke war to get his attention, though I’m starting to think that getting his attention wouldn’t had been as hard as I thought it would be.

He’s totally random. He busts out singing randomly. Everything from slow jams to Disney songs to Wicked. He wants to know everything I’m thinking. He wants to know how anxiety and depression works and how it impacts me and what he can do to help. He wants to know what my life was like. He wants to know what my day was like. He wants to know what makes me laugh and what makes me mad. He sings to me at night. He spoils me every chance he gets. He makes sure I go to bed feeling loved and laughing, every single night, for the last 5 months. He wakes me up every single morning with “good morning beautiful”. He proposed to and married me in FFXIV. He calls me his wife in real life. He constantly tells me he’s proud of me (even though he also tells me I can’t do something knowing it’ll make me mad and push me to do it). He reminds me when I need to get certain things done. He pushes me to blog, vlog and read. He cheers me on. He watches movies and reality tv with me. He listens to me rant and rave. He tries to make sense of my nonsense. He’s constantly looking at me with what he calls “I need you” eyes. He’s my best friend and I don’t know what I would do without him.

He came out of nowhere and just fell into my life on a total whim.

And my life hasn’t been the same since.

I haven’t been the same.

And I kinda like where this is going.