And on any other day I’d say…

Today was a special day at some point of my life. It was significant. And the reason why doesn’t really matter anymore.

I feel like it should be weird I don’t talk to my ex husband anymore. Or it should be weird that we’re not friends but honestly, it doesn’t feel weird at all. That bond or connection we had before is completely gone and besides asking him if he has something of mine or information I need for documents that happened in our old life I find no reason to talk to him and I’m totally okay with that.

It should be weird to stop talking to someone you’ve talked to every single day since you were 17, shouldn’t it? For some reason for me, it’s not. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones.

Lucky if you consider the fact that my ex husband was creeping around behind my back and lying to my face and turning into some monster I didn’t know over the span of a year thanks to someone he claimed he “saw as a little sister” then dates her after you file for divorce even though she’s in her own country now and to find out shortly after he moves to her country like you can just do that or something.

You seriously don’t know how shady or how stupid people can really be until you divorce them.

I don’t even hate him anymore. I don’t hate her either. They deserve each other.

This year, is my year and I refuse to let them take another year of my time after the two they already took.

I have a legitimate family to take care of and legitimate legal business to handle.

Speaking of…

I’ve been watching YouTube videos based on watercolor. Peoples speed sketches and tutorials. Finding out that I can in fact watercolor my Frozen adult coloring book. Like, that’s awesome news. Buuuuut, I kinda wish I had watercolor pencils to work with since it would be easier than working with gel watercolor paints and making a mess. But who knows, maybe the mess will be fun. I figure it’ll help me practice getting the hang of it all before I start my own sketches and stuff.

Speaking of my family…

Jane is begging to be fed. Cat diets are such a struggle when they give you sad eyes. Sigh.

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How can you say no to that face?!

Hello 2016

2016.

Wow.

Me and you WordPress have been in this for 5 years.

Insane.

I usually have this insane burst of creativity to goal make until my finger falls off when New Years comes around. This year I’m kinda just… whatever happens, happens. I didn’t even partake in my usual traditions last night. Mostly because I was tired by 9pm and already ready to go to bed (is this what getting old feels like?!) but Nick wanted to stay up until midnight, which of course he did because he can’t sleep anyway.

So we played Mortal Kombat and watched the countdown go on. He got out the sparkling apple cider and the fancy glasses. When midnight struck we took pics then kissed haha. Then I went over to snuggle Sophie and give her kisses too.

She’s now sleeping in her cat bed next to me. It’s been awhile since she’s slept in her cat bed, and next to me. She’s been kicked out of the bedroom because she decided to take a kitty stand and pee AND poop on the bed. In the covers. To which I did not discover until after I had taken a shower and was curled up in bed. Also, I did not notice that she had pooped on my sleep shirt I was wearing either.

Great aim Sophie Bear, great aim.

I’m still trying to figure out what’s stressing her out and causing her to act out.

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I made one of these last year too. A much angrier version.

But instead of doing “resolutions” this year, I’m doing goals and of course #onelittleword again because I kinda like the idea.

This years word is Focus.

Nick likes to remind me everything that I’ve accomplished and endured in 2015. Saying that I did great and that I did more in one year than he could ever imagine. But yet it doesn’t feel enough. I didn’t cross anything off my list except for adopt a pet. Oh and I graduated. But I didn’t read more than 10 books (out of the 50-60 I usually aim for), I didn’t learn to make Macrons or Marshmallows or plushies.

My word for 2015 was Rediscover and I think I did a good job of keeping that word in mind through out the year.

So some of the key points of 2015?

  • Finally filing for divorce
  • Adopting Sophie
  • Successfully navigated through Tinder
  • Met a boy
  • Moved an hour away from home
  • Created a life in another city
  • Found a second family that accepts me for me
  • Graduated college
  • Grew my twitter and instagram following
  • Stopped depending on Zoloft
  • Made new friends
  • Got my hands on the Rose Gold iPhone (thanks babe!)
  • Survived my first year of divorce despite the fact I’m still dealing with debt my ex husband left behind and the fact he sold a car I could had totally used and had put in money for while we were still married so he could move to Australia to move in with his 22 year old girlfriend who he was cheating on me with all of 2014 when she was interning at Disney here and who he said was “just like his little sister”. Yeah she doesn’t look like that when she’s sitting on your lap wearing a red dress with her boobs hanging out. Gross. AND I had to find this out for myself because he’s a pile of shit.

 

Thank goodness my life would never suck so hard I would have to leave the country just to survive. Sometimes I make some really shitty choices. Like who to date/marry.

I have a list of goals I hope to achieve this year (in other news…) and though this isn’t the complete list, it’s some of the more important goals.

  • Start blogging more/start making YT videos again
  • Continue to build instagram/twitter audience
  • Start meditating again
  • Try 5 new eats
  • Read 50 books
  • Start a savings account
  • Move
  • Travel
  • Excel in school (I’m not done just yet!)
  • Learn to make Macarons
  • Learn to make Marshmallows
  • Learn to make plushies
  • Learn how to trade Forex
  • Relearn how to play the piano
  • Learn Spanish
  • Learn a bit of Japense
  • Touch up on Tagalog
  • Touch up on Cebuano
  • Touch up on French
  • Touch up on makeup skills
  • Stay more active
  • Stay on top of things

I need to work on purging some stuff and organizing my stuff much more better. This clutter is starting to really get on my nerves.

The fact that I’m no longer on Zoloft is amazing. I mean, I still get anxiety and I still get that kind of anxiety where it feels like someone is stabbing you in the chest and twisting slowly but my anxiety isn’t half as bad as it use to be. I’m very lucky. The withdrawal only took about 3 months to pass too.

So here’s to a new year waiting to be filled with new accomplishments and new adventures!

You are now on the other side of sanity…

I came across this blog under my “On This Day” app for my old FB page this morning. I remember those days and it’s so strange to think that they were five years ago. And that my life is nothing like that now.

This year the holidays/December isn’t as festive as I had wanted/hoped they would be. I guess it’s still better than last year when I had pretty much nothing though, right? Still I had hoped to go to Disney yesterday which didn’t happen and it looks highly unlikely that I’ll be going at all in December. I’ve only been to Magic Kingdom ONCE since I moved to this shit ass boring city and I haven’t been to any of the other parks since before I moved. And I moved here in July. So…

I honestly sometimes feel like I went from a fucked up marriage to a struggling relationship and that’s not what I wanted. I’m so burned out by other peoples problems. I’m suppose to be focusing on me. I’m suppose to be doing things that make ME happy. I’m suppose to be selfish for once. To live my life the way I want to. And I’m back to feeling like I can’t do that — still.

Oh well, I guess there’s always next year.

I guess.

Single > Divorced

I stumbled on this little article published by Psychology Today titled “If Being Married Is So Great, Why Do So Many People Cheat?” And a quote really stuck out to me.

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”—Oscar Wilde

The first thought that popped into my head was, I would had rather never gotten married than to experience divorce. It’s like that stupid quote that use to float all over AOL, “It’s better to had loved than to never had loved at all.”

Okay, before you assume everyone feels that way, I’m here to smack you with the fact that some of us would had rather be blissfully UNAWARE.

Although it should be noted that the events of widowhood, and perhaps divorce as well, appear to have long-lasting negative effects.

Awesome, I’m ruined for good. For a marriage I didn’t even want in the first place.

Now I know saying I would rather had never been married than had been divorced is such a heavy statement. But the truth is, I never wanted to be married to begin with. I don’t believe in marriage. And for the most part I don’t think my ex husband did either but since we had been dating for over five years, he felt that the only logical thing was to get married. As much as I had stood my ground against this, he joined the military and well, in order to stay with him we had to get married. Which resulted in the stressors of putting together a “decent” wedding, in eight weeks. I managed to pull it off (and at this point, I’m certain I can make ANYTHING happen after that experience) but I remember crying the night before my wedding because I really did NOT want to get married. I didn’t feel like, even through out my wedding day, that this was going to change anything. You see, my ex husband has always had a child’s mind the whole time we were dating and up until recently I realized I was married to a narcissist (but that’s a different entry all together). So while he made promises of trying harder and all this and that — through our five year marriage none of that happened. Everything was still up to me; financially, emotionally, living wise… he never took part or responsibility or helped when it came to our marriage. Only to, in the end, cheat on me from some girl from fuckin Australia that he worked with that I wasn’t allowed to ever meet, see, or talk to. Oh and he’d hang out with her till 3AM several times a week and not tell me where he was with her. Not to mention he would also spend about 16 hours a day with her once or twice a week. For a year. Not including the times I caught him lying or in another city with her.

Yeah.

So that pretty much solidifies the fact that I think marriage. is. bullshit.

Now I know that every experience is different and every person is different. But it brings truth to this statement.

Analyzing the empirical findings concerning the marriage paradox requires a subtle approach. Indeed, one longitudinal study of the impact of marital transitions on life satisfaction reveals that people who get married and stay married are indeed more satisfied than on average, but they were already so, long before the marriage took place. It seems that, often, happy people are more likely to get and stay married. On average, people get only a very small boost from marriage; most people are no more satisfied after marriage than they were prior to it.

So this suggests that if a person, prior to marriage was already a miserable fucked up person then marriage wouldn’t be able to help that.

I’m again, not saying this is true for everyone.

But it was true in my own situation.

As much as I would love to bash my ex husband I gotta take some credit for this.

I suffered from depression, anxiety and OCD before and during our marriage. His extreme outings with his whore pretty much caused my brain to short circuit and I had to take medication because my anxiety attacks were SO bad. Didn’t help that he refused to leave his date no matter how awful I felt. Taking the medication helped, I felt a sense of emotional freedom I had never experienced before and I gave less of a shit about him and what he was doing behind my back. It didn’t turn me into an emotionless zombie like I had hoped, but it did assist me in getting my mind right.

This also reminds me of a video I stumbled on on Facebook last night called, “I’m a husband, not a boyfriend.”

 

 

Shareeff talks about how he’s a husband before his wife even comes into the picture. He prepares himself as a husband therefore he don’t spend time with girls who are only “girlfriends”. And every thing he mentions really hit home with me. Thinking back on my previous marriage, there was no other step after getting married. My ex husband did not believe in self improvement (yet he rubbed it in my face after marriage that he eventually did and how he’s a better person than me and oh he’s dating that “friend” who he thought of as a “sister” that he dipped out on me for during our marriage), did not believe in stepping up to provide for his family. He didn’t have that mentality. He probably still doesn’t. But he would be considered a “boyfriend” and not a “husband”.

That puts proof into the statement that PT had stated. If you go into something a certain way, that way will continue. When you go into a relationship and decide to go into a marriage but have no intention of changing your ways to suit the relationship then what exactly are you doing besides robbing the other person of something that could be great for them?

I’m not saying I was the perfect wife. Not at all. I had my own issues to deal with. But I did try everything I could — while dealing with my own crap — to help him the best way I could. I offered advice. I offered suggestions. I gave him his space. But none of it was enough. Nothing I said stuck to him at all because he didn’t want my help. All he did was play victim and talk down to me.

Good God, this has turned into like a fuckin academic analysis paper.

While my marriage was an awful experience it did help me grow. It sure did teach me A LOT about myself. Things I was too afraid to face. Things I was too scared to even attempt to overcome. It pushed me to better myself and I found a road to recovery.

But a part of me does wish I never had to experience it. That I could still be blissfully unaware of the downside of marriage and divorce. That I wouldn’t be so jaded or hesitant. That I would still have these good thoughts and ideas when it came to marriage and forever instead of thinking that I’m doomed forever.

But it might also be because the pain is still fresh. Get back to me next year, I’m sure I’ll have my head screwed on a little bit better then.

Hey wassup, hello!

… yeah, that really just happened.

I blame Nick for being so obsessed with Fetty Wapp. Not that he’s a bad dude (Nick OR Fetty) or that his music sucks (cause it really doesn’t) but… well okay the whole blame can’t go to Nick. Some of it goes to a meme I keep seeing around Instagram. It’s pretty great. I’d include it in the post but you can’t right click and save Instagram images. But it basically says something along the lines of…

Be your own trap queen, cook your own pies, hey wassup hello to your damn self.

It makes me giggle every time I see it.

Anyway

I know I’ve been gone a long long long time. I just… haven’t felt up to writing lately. And that’s okay. I’m not going to beat myself up for it like I was at some point.

This year has been challenging and weird and tiring and just down right… I’m so ready for it to just be over. Not that anything is really going to restart once the new year comes along but I can pretend and sometimes, that’s all you need to stay sane.

I’ve been a bitter mess lately. For a number of reasons (the third year in a row I don’t get to see my family for the holidays, the first holiday season being a divorcee, living in a city I know nothing about, my ex husband is a complete dipshit that I wish would find his way to the bottom of a lake, did I mention not being able to see my family… for a third YEAR in a ROW?) and one night I burst into tears in the middle of telling Nick something I found on Instagram and slipped into a really weird panic attack.

Nick, being the overly amazing supportive boyfriend he is dropped his game controller, rushed over to me, took me in his arms even though I had just showered and was in my pj’s and my anxiety woulda killed me at that point, wiped away my tears forcing me to look at him and he was like, “hey, you’re with ME now. we’ll go, and you’ll be totally fine, and we’ll make our own memories. okay?”

I can’t put into words how amazing it is when the person you’re with knows how much something means to you. How much it hurts you at the same time and how badly they want you to have amazing memories instead. He tries SO hard.

Since then I see all these other people in worries within their own relationships and I wonder why they stick around to be treated like that. Don’t they know that someone amazing is out there waiting for someone exactly like them? And so many of these things I look and think with complete confidence Nick would NEVER do that to me. And I realize how lucky I am. When I look back at the beginning of our relationship, it blows me away just how lucky I got.

It was Nick who drove me to the courthouse to get the right paper work to file for divorce in April even though my ex husband grabbed the papers that previous of November but grabbed the completely wrong papers not to mention my ex husband had refused to sign and file his half. It was Nick who took me apartment hunting for weeks to find a new place of my own. I signed my new lease in May and I wasn’t due out until August.

Through all that he never once threw any of it in my face. All he wanted was for me to be happy, to be safe and to start over into the life I was dreaming about. All he ever wanted to do was help. He will never know just how MUCH help he’s provided since I met him until this day. He was always there and he’s never hid the fact that he wants to see me nothing but happy.

Out of a painful and shitty situation came a beautiful new beginning.

I know I don’t give Nick enough credit. But I plan to start. Because he deserves to know how amazing he is and how thankful both me and Sophie are to have him in our life.

September Goals

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I know people say this about every month but seriously… can you believe it’s already September?! Because I seriously can not! That means I’ve been with Nick for five months. Sophie has had her forever home for six months and in two months I’ll be graduating from college! This fall is big on celebration!

Not to mention I’m launching two businesses this month as well and starting a new job.

Yeah, it’s going to be a busy fall and winter!

But isn’t it crazy how life falls together after it falls apart? This time last year I was a complete mess. My marriage was falling apart. I was calling the suicide hotline more times than I should be. I was heavily on anti depressants. My favorite toy was a knife I kept hidden under my clothes in my nightstand. I had a husband who couldn’t bother being there for me. He was too busy entertaining some 21 year old girl until 3am multiple nights a week for a year. I honestly never thought that this time last year that my life could be as good as it is today. I honestly thought I wouldn’t even live to see today.

I recently cut off all contact with my ex husband. Because the truth is he’s not my best friend. He’s not someone I can trust. How can you be “best friends” with someone who constantly LIES to you? How can you trust someone like that? And for him to go off and start dating the girl who ruined our marriage? He never respected me and this just proves it so why should I keep him in my life? Who cares if he’s the closest thing I have to family here? Nick’s family has had no problem including me into their home and their lives, making sure I’m okay when my PMS is too heavy. Nick acts more like a husband than my own ex husband ever did in the whole 12 years we were together. I always think about the day I met Nick in person and how natural I felt around him. I was my usual hyper chatty GUESS WTF JUST HAPPENED TO ME self. I wasn’t shy, I wasn’t self conscious. Nothing. I felt like I was seeing a friend again after a long time of not seeing them.

Anyway, off topic. Whew, sorry!

S e p t e m b e r   G o a l s !

→ Launch both businesses
→ Update resume
→ Read 8 books
→ Acquire Pikmin for Wii U
→ Start blogging regularly
→ Update blog themes/layouts
→ Pass this class with an A+
→ Start a savings account
→ Start meditating and light yoga every morning
→ DRINK MORE WATER
→ Eat better
→ Plan for October November and December
→ Tidy apartment and full on decorate for Halloween
→ Stick to Yankee Candle products
→ Give Sophie a soapy bath
→ Organize bathroom
→ Start journaling
→ Keep up with gratitude jar
→ 
Do a better job of keeping in touch with friends
→ Close several credit cards (I know but it has to be done)
→ Don’t sweat the small stuff
→ Read more comics
→ Finish watching Sword Art Online

 

 

I’m sure there are more important things I want to make sure I do this month but this is all off the top of my head. I’ve been majorly hooked on Sword Art Online the anime lately. Nick has a CrunchyRoll account and pretty much any anime that has to do with people being stuck in an RPG is my jam lol. But I’m absolutely enjoying SAO and I just found out that they’re releasing a SAO game for the PS4!!! OMG I’m so excited! I know I’ve been fighting with Nick over the fact I don’t need a PS4 right now  but now that SAO is coming out… well I need one. Like. Yesterday. Even though the game doesn’t come out until some time next month. But Nick did pre-order it for me (thanks babe, you da best)! Eeeeeeeeee!! He also found this RPG app for the iPhone I was watching him play while we were waiting at the bank earlier today and it was so cute I had to download it. I’m such a sucker for RPG’s with cute mobs!

I’ve been doing a lot more gaming and obsessing over video games like I use to once upon a time that Nick keeps saying “WHY DONT YOU JUST APPLY HERE” every time I go to GameStop to ask if something is up for pre-order and how much of a drag the fact that it’s not up for pre-order is going to be. I guess it turns him on to know his girlfriend nerd speaks lol! Other than that we’ve been collecting collectibles and board games. We just got Disney Infinity which I’ve been fighting him NOT to get but 3.0 is everything you had hoped 1.0 would had been. We got the Star Wars starter pack (naturally) so that’s pretty exciting. Haven’t run into any Sith’s yet but I’M READY! Haha.

Okay enough babbling, I have stuff to get done!:)

What do you mean..? When you nod your head yes but you wanna say no..

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Apparently my four year anniversary with this blog was two days ago.

Wow, four years. That’s insane. SO MUCH has changed in those four years. Changed as far as blog posts I post, things I talk about, how often I blog and pretty much everything in my personal life is completely upside down.

Life has a funny way of being funny. Which in reality, life isn’t very funny at all (I’m not laughing). I’ve done a lot of dumb shit in my life and I’ve been through some dumber than dumb shit but this one HAS to take the whole fuckin cake. My ex husband let me know a week ago that he’s dating the girl who ruined our marriage. I knew he was stupid but wow. Ironically this isn’t something surprising as it seems that all my other friends who divorced their high school sweetheart (and there’s a handful of us) is experiencing the same exact thing I am.

Just when you thought you couldn’t feel any MORE betrayed.

It can always be worse.

So yeah, I’m fighting blimps of anxiety here and there. I’ve been so stressed out with all these remaining balances that even though have nothing to do with me I’m still somehow responsible for because my ex husband is a worthless piece of shit that never cared enough to help at all. Most selfish person I know. Maybe not MOST but he’s pretty up there.

In other news I’ve gone back to playing with makeup. The fact that I have a vanity encourages that. I also have a super cute set up. I just need to put things away and figure out where I want things to go. Find a matching dresser, a matching bed frame, and a nightstand and I’ll be all set. I’m hoping to get all this together before Christmas. Just because I don’t dig this in progress shit. I want my place to feel like home… NOW.

Nick and I went ahead and grabbed one of those scent pot things from Yankee Candle. The mess free, fire free wax melter things. We were SO impressed with our starter kit (which is now in my room) that we bought a bigger one for the living room decor that lights up and has a timer. It’s a nice touch and provides a pop to the living room. It’s pretty cozy! I’m heavily debating getting one for the bathroom too just because Sophie (my cat) stinks up the bathroom worse than the humans. That’s pretty bad lol.

 

IMG_8610Urban Decay Shadow Box with Flash & Black out on lids MAC Heroine ELF Ravishing Rose Sephora Raspberry Punch on lips.

Another thing I’m obsessed with is this MAC lipstick that Nick picked out for me. It’s a rich plum purple color in MATTE (two very scary things) called Heroine. I fuckin LOVE it. It really flatters my skin tone. Today I mixed it with an ELF lippie in Ravishing Rose and a Sephora lip gloss in Raspberry Punch that Nick also picked out to layer on top of the Heroine lippie and I like it. It’s very glossy but not sticky at all and it’s actually kinda moisturizing. I’m enjoying playing with makeup and colors again. Waiting for my hair to grow out because I’m not feeling short hair anymore. It’s harder to style and I have baby monkey hair that’s just not cute. Even if I flat iron it.

 

Julep Nail Color in Darby

 

Another thing I’m obsessed with? Julep nail polishes! I know, I know, I’ve been a Maven subscriber for years now and I’m just NOW actually using their polishes?! Why yes, yes that’s true. I started off by using their eyeliner and their lipstick and I fell IN LOVE! So I figured why not try their polishes too? Darby is one of my favorites. It’s a black/dark green base polish with green and gold flecks in it. I’m not going to say it’s glitter because it’s not chunky like glitter is but it does have a nice shimmer! Julep polishes also are easy to remove, don’t stain your nails and they dry fairly quickly. I’ve noticed with the non shimmer shades it takes a few coats for it to turn opaque but I guess that can go for any polish company…  the polishes like Darby however are opaque after one coat. I’m grabbing lots of darker colors and plum colors now since Fall is right around the corner and I’m SO excited!

 

My heart is pounding, but it’s just a conversation

SPiNNiNG: Take Your Time by Sam Hunt

This song has been on heavy repeat all week. I don’t even remember how I came across it again but I’m super glad I did.

I feel like the world is spinning way too fast and I’m struggling to keep up. To keep things in line. But there’s this boy and he’s like a tornado in my so neatly kept world. He shakes everything up, throws things I had solid opinions on and throws them around until all that’s left is me. The me I am today. The me who is no longer a victim but a fighter. The me who will not give any fucks. The me who if you show me you don’t care, I’ll show you I don’t care even more. The me who’s free to be excited again and happy over the smallest things without having to keep her happiness in check. The me who runs around malls and grocery stores and places with pretty lights.

  

There’s this boy and though I haven’t known him for long; he’s helped me feel more confident in my skin to the point where I’m wearing dresses and skirts (with cute kitty tights, but still, it’s a step). He makes me feel like I’m worth something — and I know you’re never suppose to put that power into someone elses hand. YOU are suppose to KNOW YOUR OWN worth but it’s nice when someone comments on it too. I am still after all human. There’s this boy who is content as shit just sitting with me looking out at the water for hours into the night holding my hand. There’s this boy, who doesn’t rush me into anything, doesn’t force me into anything (except when it comes to homework). There’s this boy and he’s the most polite and respectful boy I’ve ever dated. To have someone respect you after going so long without that… it’s a strange feeling. I know I shouldn’t but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like this is just a figment of my imagination. Like all of this isn’t real. How could this be real? How could someone like Nick be into someone like me? I’m a total mess. A total and complete chaos of a mess.

I know you’re suppose to dwell on things and I try my best not to. I don’t find myself reaching back as much as I use to… but I wonder how M feels that he destroyed his marriage. That I actually left. That I found someone who cares about me, who actually takes care of me and makes me happy. We were never meant to be baby, we just happened. And I guess at some point we just rolled with it cause what can we do now?

I have not loved someone in possibly years. I haven’t felt this bubbly happiness or this urge to just watch him in years. In literal years. And it’s such an intense and scary feeling. A feeling I don’t think I’m worth of and especially not from someone like Nick.

Life works in extremely mysterious ways.

And I love the way… that he makes me feel

Mason: ok if u want to change then change the stuff M forced into u can be changed and also u might be better staying with nick might be good
Me: Not that easy tho Mason. I never stop my boyfriends from gaming because my ex broke up with me for it when I was 16. I’m not clingy either for the same reason. Every person you’re with has the power to change you. It’s bullshit.
Mason: ok but what happens when u meet a guy (like myself) that actually likes clingy girls or would want to play games with you what happens when u meet them ? the thing is 7 billion ppl in the world one will match how u act so dont change for some one to match them cuz that means that u just lost ur match up and also u made someone else lose the match up.

A friend of mine and myself had a conversation sort of like that once. When we were about 14. Before either of us even had boyfriends. She wondered if there was just ONE person in the ENTIRE WORLD made for us and it’s something we’ve both toyed with in our head as we grew up. I’ll seriously never forget that conversation in the band room Dree!

Now that we’re both older, both divorced and both dating other people… I guess… I dunno. I do believe that every person you date and every person you’re with changes you. Influences you. Leaves a mark on you. And that’s not saying it’s a bad thing but sometimes it can be a damaging thing.

I remember mentioning to Nick that I wanted to visit him at work randomly but I stopped myself and I apologized. He was sincerely confused and asked why I was saying sorry and I was like “isn’t that like, annoying or something?” and he was like “no, why would that be annoying? I’d love for you to visit me at work.” and I dunno, it’s just weird. Like I’m now programed to do all this stuff or rather to not do all this stuff and it just sucks. I want to go back to being that thoughtful, everything-I-do-is-symbolic girlfriend that was way too sweet. It sucks when you find a good person but you yourself are so far damaged beyond repair. But lucky when that person wants nothing else but to see you smile, to hear you laugh and to sincerely make you happy. You can just feel that that’s their intention. Whatever it takes to make you happy, they’ll do without hesitation. And it’s not a you-owe-me-later type of feeling either. It’s a sincere they really want to make you happy feeling. Nick doesn’t get mad when I’m in the car playing on my phone or on Instagram and Twitter while he’s driving. He doesn’t get mad if I don’t talk on the drive home at 2AM both of us shit tired. And it’s things like that, that remind me how fucked up I am. Because I’m suddenly not the silence-is-okay type anymore. I always feel like I have to make conversation or I have to keep talking about something. Even though Nick doesn’t care if I do or don’t. Every time I am on Instagram on my phone he always looks over tells me I’m cute when I’m concentrating on something or replying or whatever. And always telling me if we ever go on vacation that means no blogging lol.

And it’s nice and it’s different and you don’t know how to react when these things that you wanted to do for someone once before to brighten up their day only made their day awful and now the person you’re with wants these things and you don’t know how to shake out of this funk you’ve been in for so long. I expect Nick to hide me and he doesn’t. He talks about me all the time. To his friends, his coworkers, his family… he’s in no way ashamed to show he cares about me in front of my friends and his friends or the entire world for that matter. And when my friends ask what his intentions are he always replies with “making sure she feels like the princess she is and to make her as happy as I possibly can from here on out.”

He is truly something else.

And while I’m here, struggling to find that side of myself again, trying to convince myself it’s okay to be that person again, he’s standing right there waiting patiently and not judging me when I slip and fall. He just helps me right back up and I try again. I hate that I find it weird, how kind he is. How caring he is. How romantic he is. Because it’s sad, in a way. Like what kind of people have I been dating if something as simple as him bringing me flowers before a date excites me to the point of no return?

Things happen for a reason and him coming into my life at the time he did could not had been an accident. I don’t know how this piece fits into the puzzle but I’ll figure it out, I usually normally do. Until then, I’ll enjoy my time with my Prince Charming creating new memories, going on new journey’s and having someone near that flat out cares about you and isn’t afraid to tell the world.

5 Things

I really don’t have 5 Things to talk about, I just heard that people are more likely to click on your post if there’s a number involved in the title surprise! click bait! Now that you’re here you might as well stay. You know you want to.

Actually, one thing, I’m ridiculously sleepy right now. I haven’t taken a nap in years and I don’t know what is going on with my system since January but I get really really sleepy and tired and cranky. It’s annoying, even for me.

I had an idea of what I wanted to write (my eyes are closed as I’m typing this by the way, if you cared to know.) and now I can’t seem to remember what it was…..

We’ve run into some drama with his family as we always seem to on like a 3-6 month rotation. It’s seriously dumb, ridiculous and an extreme waste of our time and energy. You’d think these people had something better to do — like watch their damn kids instead of stirring up unneeded drama with someone you don’t even know sending them threats via Facebook messaging, Facebook status updates and various other places. Like yo, if I didn’t respond to the first threat it’s not cause I was scared, it was because I simply don’t give a fuck. You don’t know me. You don’t know him. So everything in anything you’ve ever  posted about us is straight up false. Get your head out of your ass and use your energy to do something more productive.

By the second day we were pretty much over it. I mean there are obvi things we’re still like “wtf” about but it’s not like we really care anymore. He said his peace and I said mine. Though I’m missing one I think. Either way, go ahead and try to bring us down, we don’t care. You’re not the first to attempt to. We’re too busy out here playing in the sun, and building a business (or two). We don’t have time for silly drama.

I’ve become aware that my mom is right; that I need to learn how to control my anger. My vengefulness. It’s hard. But it’s  getting easier every day. But some days are still a challenge. When it slips through and pulls you under to the point where you can’t think, you can’t move, you can’t make it stop. And even though I don’t act on my anger doesn’t mean it’s not there. But I am slowly getting better at controlling it.

I was walking around PetSmart the other day. I was actually on the phone with a friend back home who had his dog taken and was flipping out. And I was looking at the cats up for adoption as I normally do and there was this one cat. This one typical colored cat that caught my attention. Her name is Sophie, she’s 10 years old and she’s 5 pounds. I’m assuming she’s the runt of her liter as she’s so tiny. They didn’t have any info on her as far as her previous owners go but I do have her on hold. So if you’d like to help me adopt this pretty girl drop a donation on my GoFundMe page. We both would really appreciate it!

 

//funds.gofundme.com/Widgetflex.swf 

In other news, I’m turning 30 next month. Holy #($*.