Author: Haze Pin

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

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Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Weekly Recap; April 9th – 16th

My birthday week celebration \o/

I’m skipping this last week cause it was pretty much me being lazy and trying to recoup from the week long vacation/staycation.

Bubba flew down here on the 9th to spend my birthday week with me. It was his first time on a plane by himself, the first time he’d ever been to Florida and his first time at ANY Disney park. Which blows my mind considering how much of a Disney fan he is! But I was pretty excited to have him here and share all my favorite things and places within Disney limits with him!

This post is gonna be LONG and super picture heavy.

A P R I L   9 T H

He landed at 945am, I took an Uber to the airport since my roommate had her guy over and I didn’t know so walking in on that was awkward. Anyway, I had a really cool Uber driver who made the drive that early in the morning that much better. And I sat and waited for him. He told me 915 but meant 945, his flight left TX at 615 is what it was. It’s okay, at least I wasn’t late. Went on an epic adventure to find the Magical Express once we got his luggage.

Got to the resort, checked in, paid off the rest of the stay and had them hold our luggage/bring it to our room when our room was ready (I love how convenient Disney makes everything!) and headed to Disney Springs. This day we settled for just relaxing and spending the day at Disney Springs just to introduce him around. He ordered my birthday cake and we had lunch at T-Rex which he enjoyed \o/ we also got a night show for Power Rangers at the dine-in theater. Beauty and the Beast wasn’t until 3pm and we were gonna head back to the hotel around that time so we couldn’t make that time frame. After lunch we walked around, I showed him around. At 3 we headed back to the hotel, they texted me about an hour after we got to Springs that our room was ready (wayyy before 3pm!) and our stuff was already in there. We went to make sure. And it was all there! I took him around the resort; I opted for All Star Movies (which I had stayed in before and loved it) and he was loving all the big figures around the resort. We were put in Fantasia which was nice and close to the pool (I was in Dalmatians before and it was farther back). We hung out in the hotel for awhile, it was really hot so being in a cool AC room was nice.

We headed back to Springs right before the movie.

The movie itself was epic except… when did Rita get so damn creepy?! Also the food was SO disappointing! I got the Teriyaki bowl and the rice was SO dry and it had NO sauce! Also the vanilla milkshake wasn’t the best even if it came with an ice cream sandwich. I couldn’t take pics of any of the food cause it was so damn dark. So yeah, BLAH. BLAH on that experience! At least the movie was good.

After the movie we walked around some more.

I loved seeing how excited he was about seeing everything. He kept telling me to take pictures of EVERYTHING lol. I guess I’m spoiled since I see this stuff all the time that I never know WHAT to take pictures of! But I remember how excited I was about everything the first time I ever came to Disney, though in 2011 it was VERY different than it is now!

Also, can you spot the hidden Goofy in the last picture?

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Five Things I Learned This Week

Skinny and Single

Things I learned this week1. If you have an abortion, you are exactly the same as Hitler. Yep, killing one baby is exactly the same as 42 million. Yep, because one dollar and 42 million dollars are the same.

2. Pro-life people will threaten you with death just because you support abortion. Yep, so true, my support of a pregnant 14 year old wanting an abortion is cause for my murder. Totally. It’s entirely logical.

3. If you eat meat, you are also like Hitler. Chickens have the exact same value as people now, did you know that?

4. Vegans get really mad if you mix them up with vegetarians.

5. It is now acceptable to compare law abiding citizens to Hitler. That is suddenly everyone’s go to insult, “you’re just like Hitler.” Am I? Am I really?

Yep, that’s me, just like Hitler….

BONUS: You know what else I learned this week? All…

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Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

Today last year was Easter.

I have a super private “blog” app I keep on my phone that I only write in when either something makes me incredibly sad or angry. I hardly post any happy things in there but lately I have been. So there’s been more happy posts and happy screenshots going on. I have a tendency to go back and read these posts as a I wonder what I was doing one year ago today thing. I did this a lot with my LiveJournal’s back in the day too.

Nick had said we’d go to Disney; it has been a thing I do — spend Easter at Disney. But the night before he had stayed up late gaming with his friends like stayed up till 7am gaming as he had been the whole week and weeks before that. Knowing his pattern, him sleeping that late meant he wasn’t going to get up until 3pm the next day and no matter how I asked he wouldn’t put that into consideration.

So when Easter Day came around I was obviously pretty pissed off about it. I remember being upset and tired of this shit — I hate empty promises and I hate liars. It was pretty much a month and a half of pent up irritation.

He walked over, grabbed me and slammed me into the couch pinning me down screaming at me to quit acting like a child. No matter how hard I tried to kick him or if I tried to push him off he would just tighten his grip and keep screaming at me. It gave me a massive panic attack that he told me to get over.

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Weekly Recap; March 19th – 25th

I can’t believe how fast the month is going!

Two more weeks and Bubba will be here to spend a week with me for my birthday \o/ which also means… two more weeks until I turn 32. Ugh.I feel like I should feel old. I don’t look any older than 19 and I don’t act any older too, but I feel like time-wise, I could had done more with my life and my time. I don’t know exactly how since it’s not like I wasn’t trying or taking risks but sometimes things just don’t go as planned and that’s okay, what’s not okay is to sit around and mope about it like I have been for the passed few months now.

True things are harder without a car and things are harder when you’re doing them on your own but it’s the challenges in life that help us build who we ARE and to show us just how STRONG we can be if we just don’t quit.

Though quitting is so much easier than the other thing.

I feel like the majority of my 20’s was a waiting game. Waiting for a sign on what to do next. Waiting on a new dream/goal. Waiting for my marriage to magically fix itself. All of which didn’t happen so I feel like my 20’s were just me waiting around, for nothing. And I hate that and I hate thinking back to it but there’s nothing you can do about the past except plan better in the future.

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling, you’re not here for that today.

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Food | Snack Review; Peeps Oreo

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I just realized how long it’s been since I wrote anything about food on this blog.

I decided to review these Peeps Oreo’s.

I’m a sucker for limited edition snacks and I always seem to buy into them but I never end up reviewing or talking about them — which is strange. I don’t know why I have a habit of doing that.

Oreo’s aren’t really my jam unless they’re the Lemon ones, I don’t know what it is about Oreo’s, I just don’t really dig them too much. But they keep coming out with these LE flavors that just keep sucking me in. I mean just LOOK AT THOSE COLORS.

I’m not too much of a fan of Peeps even though I am a fan of marshallow. But there’s something about Peeps that’s just… I don’t know, weird. Though I was hoping that the marshmallow + Oreo cookies would be a nice combo.

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The filling is a bright pink color incased in two golden cookies.

I wish I could tell you what it tastes like because in my opinion, the Oreo as a whole didn’t taste like anything.

I know some people were saying it’s so good and other people were saying it’s gross but I personally didn’t taste anything other than the cookies. The filling to me had absolutely no taste to it.

All in all this experience was a bit disappointing.

 

 

 

Hello Spring!

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[credit: google images]

It’s the first day of Spring!

I wish I could be super excited and all happy and cheerful but my roommates boyfriend is here, again.

Anyway, Spring is one of my favorite seasons even if the allergens hit you like a ton of freakin bricks all the time. And even if my eyes get all weirdly puffy here in Florida. But the sun is usually out and the rain doesn’t come for another few months. The weather starts to warm up and who can resist pretty pastel’s everywhere and Easter decor and prepping around the corner?

I always tell myself “when I move next time I’ll deck out my place and I’ll do this and that” and it never happens.

So I’m debating if I should say it this time too or not.

But still here’s to hoping that next Spring I’ll deck my place out and decorate a bit better for Spring; especially since I’ll be living alone with just me and Sophie bear.

 

Weekly Recap; March 12th – 18th

I should post more than just Weekly Recap’s here but sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Daily blogging use to be my thing, my release, my therapy. Even if I had nothing to say, I’d just talk. Maybe I should do that again, it helped me a lot when I was growing up to deal with my problems and find answers or to help me understand that some things just don’t have answers.

This week wasn’t all that eventful; I didn’t leave the house for one. I don’t want to be tempted to spend money since Bubba and I have a big vacation planned coming up (and quick)! So I’ve just been handling some stuff with the new place, bills, trying to some how get ready for the move and figure out how social media works (cause it’s a never ending learning experience).

I’m a bit of a blind box addict (thanks Disney World job and D-Street and Vinylmations!) and that Hopper up there is something I’ve been chasing for about if not over a year now. I’ve gotten pretty much everyone in that collection about 2 or 3 times EXCEPT FOR HOPPER. I don’t know why! But it’s definitely driven me crazy once or twice. When I was in Texas and I told Bubba about this he immediately searched for it on Amazon and had it shipped to me! I finally got him and I couldn’t be happier! Hopper means a lot to me because my last job at Disney was at Animal Kingdom in The Tree of Life with the It’s Tough To Be a Bug show and Hopper was always my favorite part of the show. Every morning when we would make sure everything was good before opening I’d always be so excited to see him and the days when Hopper wasn’t working were very sad and boring work days!

I also got the package that Bubba sent that was the stuff I couldn’t pack in my luggage when I got home — this boy. He spoils me so much that I actually have to ship a box back home every time I see him. SIGH. But every single thing he gets me is something thoughtful. I forgot I had put my Tsum Tsum Pastel Parade’s in there so I was super excited to see them again… and also the Hot Cheetos with Lime that were lining the box. And the World of Final Fantasy guide. And my Beauty and the Beast music box. And BATB plushies. I didn’t take pic of all that was in there but I should had! Maybe piece by piece I will :).

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Weekly Recap; March 5th – 12th

I’m sleepy. I’ve been sleepy all week. Wth.

Why is everything formatted to the right? Dammit WordPress, if something’s not broken why fix it?!

Now I feel like everything’s backwards.

I’m a little annoyed; Sophie pooped behind the table. So since I was cleaning that shit up I decided to just clean more stuff because why not, I’m already here. I still need to mop my bathroom though, and I will, after I write this post — if I ever finish it.

I’m gonna start with last Sunday (damn it’s been a week already?!); I was in Texas apartment hunting last weekend and I got there on Friday and left on Monday, I’m not gonna recap my whole trip in this post. I already did on my lifestyle blog hazearella and I might do one here, you know, just for me.

But we had brunch at Nerdvana, a cute chic cafe with video games scattered around. It’s in Frisco, TX in case you’re wondering. Our booth had a Super Nintendo with Mario Kart. I realized how shitty I am at playing MK now that I’m use to a joystick and not a d-pad. We kept falling off the stage, Bubba did much better than I did though lol. I had the Crab Cake Benedict and he had The Chicken Melt; both were really good. Maybe some day we’ll actually go for dinner and I’ll try one of their potions (how cute are the things they name their stuff?).

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Weekly Recap; Feb 19th – 26th

Has it already been a week?

I feel like I was just writing one of these.

It’s been a week since my shit ass ex boyfriend took my iPhone and PS4. Eliminating the obligation of gaming has been SO NICE. Like him taking the PS4 was the break I needed. I was suppose to replace it this week but decided to hold off another week because I’m enjoying all this free time THAT much. It’s so weird when you have a video game system in your bubble and how it makes you feel obligated to play; especially when it comes to an MMORPG. Granted before I lost the PS4 we weren’t really getting on that much anymore anyway. Just to do dailies/weeklies, crafting, gathering and that was pretty much it. But without that temptation… I don’t know, I just feel more free! Speaking of free, I also feel more free now that I’m not tied into his phone plan anymore (that he forced me into and never paid the cancellation fee from my previous provider even though he said he would, that boy is full of lies. Up the ass.) nor does he have a way of contacting me anymore \o/ thank goodness! Whew. He is taking it on himself to bug my roommate (whom he never had anything nice to say about) to indirectly contact me. In fact the other day he told her that I owed him $360+ to replace the phone I “ruined” though he has no proof I did it nor why would I do it. You wanted your phone and PS4 back, you got it back, now leave me alone. Then goes off saying I should be “responsible” and an “adult” since he’s “paid for my phone plan for a year” even though I never asked him to. Not to mention that whole year he was living in MY apartment he stopped paying rent after 3 months, didn’t pay bills, didn’t pay for food and hardly even paid for his own gas to get to work. So if he wants to talk about who owes who money he can shove his dick in his mouth. But he’s the type of person who thinks everything he says is right and everyone else is wrong. So there’s no point in even contacting/correcting him because he’s full of delirious ass shit and not worth any more of my time or energy.

On to my week!

Florida sunsets are my favorite. Though they remind me of Chatham Square and make me homesick for that place all the time. I’ve been burning candles again; one being the Key Lime Pie one my mom got me from Kohls, she got be 3 from the Sonoma line… wait no 4 but the last one isn’t part of this collection. The KLP one wasn’t my favorite. It was nice on cold sniff but lit it wasn’t that great. It had a weird after-scent to it. I’ve also been burning one of the candles my boyfriend got me for Valentines Day — I think I like this one the most which is Sweet Spun Sugar. It smells like straight up cotton candy, it’s so good! My first Nendoroid came in too, it’s of Garuda which is my favorite FF primal. She’s so cute! I wanna get the Ifrit one too but he’s not with Amazon Prime… sigh.

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