Reflecting

A Lifetime of rejection causes…

Me to not give a flying fuck about compliments.

I’ve noticed the more I post selfies on my MAKEUP INSTAGRAM, the more I get random guys sliding in my DMs.

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Like this one I got on Sunday.

I grew up obsessed with finding a boyfriend in high school. I knew I wasn’t by any means “pretty” especially by what teenage boys find pretty. I was skinny. I super shy and I looked like a nerd. I was so obsessed with being liked and it really shot at my self esteem when I realized I was never going to be popular or liked. It didn’t help I had a childhood friend who was the most discouraging piece of shit in the entire world. The girl was fuckin abusive.

It got to a point where I was tired of waiting so I’d ask the guys out. And I got more rejections than you could even imagine. But I convinced myself that at least I knew. At least I could move on.

When I finally did start dating a few years later, I had at that point stopped really caring what people thought. I was a tomboy and I embraced the shit out of it. I played video games. I watched wrestling. I dressed in baggy clothes, bandannas, hats. I embraced every side of me — my sadness, my hyperness, my sillyness, my sarcastic sense of humor, my idgaf attitude and if someone didn’t like it they could go. I wouldn’t miss them at all. I had found my group of friends and THEY loved me (they still do to this day!) and that’s all that really mattered. And I found when I had hit that point of my life, I attracted even MORE guys and for the most part, guys that I actually had shit in common with and that I had a lot of fun being around. And one that was actually really popular (we’re still pretty good friends to this day).

By the time I had gotten married my then husband wasn’t a jealous person. He didn’t care if I had guy friends or if I hung out with guys since he knew most of my friends growing up were guys and most of his friends growing up were girls. So we had that bit of an understanding. But it seemed when it came to guys wanting to go grab dinner to catch up or if someone I worked with bought me a drink or lunch just to be nice (even though my ex husband at the time would freely admit he didn’t care if a guy bought me dinner cause it meant that was dinner he didn’t have to pay for, nor did he like going to dinner or that he ever even paid for dinner — looking back on it, that was a pretty shitty thing to say to someone who’s suppose to be your wife) was when he would show a bit of jealousy. But if he did the same then he’d accuse me of being “crazy” or “psycho”. However the more it happened, he started to put me down.

About everything.

The way I looked, the way I dressed, my fuckin face, my personality. It’s like he pounded it into my head that I wasn’t pretty and that I wasn’t funny or interesting. Even though he would voice multiple times he hated how easy it was for me to make friends and how it wasn’t fair. I’ve never been anything but myself. I talk too much. I’m a super open book. I don’t like lying. If I offer to do something for you it’s because I sincerely want to. And every time I’d say I was a good person he would always say, “no you’re not, you’re fuckin psycho.” when I wasn’t. I never was.

He betrayed me too many times and made me do “psycho” things because he kept lying and hiding things from me.

But after years of hearing all this mess, it really plays tricks on your psych.

~*~

I don’t take easy compliments as compliments, I think they’re fillers or things people say to other people that they think they want to hear. I get you can’t really compliment someone who you don’t even know but perhaps you shouldn’t start your conversation off with a compliment to begin with.

Messaging someone with just hi seems lazy and pretty damn artificial.

As someone who runs a business account and other business blog types of account I suppose I expect something more from a first message. Even if just by his one hi already gave away why he even messaged me in the first place.

It’s seriously annoying.

My Instagram is full of makeup and pink, why the FUCK would you message an Instagram account that clearly does not look like a personal account? I will never understand the logic of idiots.

Not to mention my boyfriend is all over my fuckin feeds as well! Did they just SKIP those parts?

Which also shows the disrespect most guys on the internet have. I swear to God whenever a guy says some snarky shit about it it makes me want to track them down and hit them in the fuckin throat with a 2×4. Sorry, not sorry, some girls don’t like being hit on and don’t think you’re being funny.

This isn’t my first message and tbh I’m super getting tired of this crap.

If you’re not interested in makeup or candles or girly shit please exit off my damn feed, thanks.

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Recap

Weekly Recap; May 13th – May 19th

We were suppose to go on a date night last night but I got hit with my period on Friday afternoon and even though this month I DIDNT GET ANY PMS AS A WARNING it decided to fuck me up this weekend instead. I’ve always had really heavy and really short and painful periods because I’m under weight and anemic. So if it’s not insane cramps it’s fuckin crazy migraines and I’m ALWAYS so drained.

So. Date night was pushed back.

Sad days.

But very thankful that Bubba understands and tries his best to make sure I’m comfortable and takes care of me when I’m stuck in period pains.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; May 13th – May 19th”

Recap

Weekly Recap; May 6th – May 13th

Not much went on this passed week; I found a bunch of throwback photos. I refused to take bubble baths while Bubba wasnt here because Spring brings bugs. Even if I do keep a can of RAID close. I only managed to put up one blog post this week. Hmph. I’ve been really tired and sleepy this week! I have no idea why! But it’s driving me crazy.

Last Sunday we went grocery shopping; and it was pretty damn productive. I miss Publix like crazy but Tom Thumb isn’t so bad. I wish there was a Trader Joe’s close to a Tom Thumb somewhere around here though, that would make things so much easier!

I also did a little cleaning; finally cleared off the side of the counter in the kitchen where the coffee machine is… the other side? Not so much. This apartment is big but small for a one bedroom… I mean it’s a decent size but it has no storage space. I don’t even have a balcony so yeah. This apartment will never be as organized and as tidy as I want it to be. Which worries me about the next place as well.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; May 6th – May 13th”

Recap

Weekly Recap; April 30th – May 6th

Not even gonna comment on how fast time is flying. Months just zoom by and it’s so crazy. I’m highly convinced that the older you get the more the days speed up! Like now it’s 4pm and I swear it was just 230 like 5 seconds ago!

This week was pretty good and again I’m including Sunday since I’m writing this on Monday.

 

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I got myself the April Julep mystery box as a bday gift to myself and I don’t know… I’ve been a subscriber for like 5 years and I use to love these boxes but their other ones included makeup and skincare (which their makeup and skincare? I LOVE) but this one included mostly polish this time around and I don’t wear blush so… it doesn’t have any use for me. Not to mention I’m not too impressed with the polish shades that they included. I mean nudes are always nice to have around but I guess I was just hoping for something MORE.

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I also finally gave this a light and I LOVE it!

It smells like a watermelon Jolly Rancher! I didn’t end up going back for the Cactus one but it’s still heavy on my mind. I also heard that Bubble Gum was back up on the site last night but when I checked this morning it was all gone. Man that’s quick! Some day I’ll catch another one lol.

But highly impressed with this scent and throw. Not to mention I love this packaging though it’s very similar to the Fall one from last year with the “camping” collection. So I’m a little confused why they used the same theme. But the frosted jars are always nice.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; April 30th – May 6th”

Recap

Weekly Recap; April 23rd – April 29th

I didn’t post this yesterday becauseeeeeeee Bubba’s sister gave him money to take me out for a late birthday gift so we went on an adventure. I usually keep Sunday out since I post ON Sunday but I’ll include it in this week’s post!

Also it looks like I already recapped the 22nd in the last weekly recap blog post so we’re gonna start with Monday the 23rd.

I can’t stop taking pictures of my bookshelf! There was a small tour video before this but I can’t post videos on my blog posts at the moment. But this was posted on my instastories on readarella!

Bubba spent the week here so I felt safe enough to take bubble baths. I used this lavender bubble bar from LUSH; the purple bits turns your bath purple but it’s packed pretty tight so it’s a bitch to try and break off with your hands. I now see why people on Instagram make LUSH cocktails. It’s so much easier! But breaking it by hand is also fun.

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Finally snapped a photo of the new MAC stuff Bubba got me last weekend! I love the packaging for this collection but only on the lip products. The panda head is a little heavy so I wouldn’t bring it around in my purse but it’s definitely cute to have on my vanity!

I wore the lip color yesterday (photos will be at the end of this post) but I didn’t make it super dark. It was pretty when you put it on lightly — like my lips but better. Even though Bubba said it didn’t match anything I was wearing (yet he said I shoulda got the dark blue one to match my outfit but I don’t feel like I can pull off boldddddddd colors like that lol). The gloss to the right is just a clear with glitter topcoat but oh gosh it’s so sparkly and pretty! And of course I LOVE the smell of fresh MAC lippies! Mm, vanilla cake.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; April 23rd – April 29th”

Recap, Reflecting

Weekly Recap; April 15th – April 21st

I know I’m posting this on a day that isn’t Sunday but Bubba has been here this weekend and so I didn’t have time to post lol. I don’t know why, but sometimes I feel weird spending all day blogging if he’s here (even if he’s spending the week here). Which kinda sucks.

My OCD has also been so high lately that I feel like I’m constantly failing in terms of getting photos shot and blog posts up that I really want to get up. I hate how I can’t figure out a trigger or that I sometimes can’t figure out how to push passed my OCD and get things done. As if I can’t just clean everything up when I’m done or change my clothes or whatever.

I’ve been heavily debating on getting back on meds, but I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately but it’s definitely frustrating as fuck.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; April 15th – April 21st”

Recap

Weekly Recap; April 8th – 14th

I’m sad my birthday month is half way over!

Though it seems Spring is playing hide-and-go-seek here in Texas. One day it’s 90° and the next you’re waking up to 40°. The weather here is so freakin crazy! But at least today there’s sunshine!

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; April 8th – 14th”