Reflecting

July so-far-recap

I noticed I missed a few weeks of recap posts, whoops!

Between finishing up packing, dealing with my shit ass apartment manager, moving, unpacking and settling in… I guess I just, dunno. Haven’t been keeping up. It’s sort of hard to believe I’ve been in my new apartment for over a week now! I absolutely love it here! So much more than my previous place. I literally feel like I’m living in some super fancy hotel resort. I mean come on, there’s a lazy river at my pool WHICH I CAN SEE FROM MY BEDROOM AND BALCONY by the way!

I can’t tell if this apartment is smaller, bigger or just about the same size as my previous place. I feel like the bedroom MIGHT be smaller but it’s still a big amount of space. I love how spacious the kitchen is and how much pantry space I have. I also love how big the bathroom is. I just don’t like that my washer and dryer is IN my closet as it takes up SOME space but… I’ll figure out how to work around it. But the tub and the shower? Oh goodness, I love it all.

Continue reading “July so-far-recap”

Advertisements
Reflecting

He’s a brainless, heartless, coward.

Friendships.

Are always pretty fragile to begin with, no matter how old you are. In some cases you find yourself walking on eggshells just to keep those friends. And the older you get, the better of an understanding you get when it comes to people, patterns and friendships. Which are worth holding on to, what it’s like to have ones that will ride or die for and with you, and the ones that seem to only be there when it benefits them.

There’s no solid blue print as to who is what. And at this point of my life I understand that as time passes, as life progresses, as experience hit us; we are capable of any direction of change. You could think you KNOW someone for a decade and be COMPLETELY utterly wrong. People can change for any reason at any time they choose to. People can outgrow other people. Could want to change their circle, their life, their direction and that could mean that you’re not part of that plan. And there’s seriously nothing wrong with that: find the people YOU vibe with.

I’ve never played the shit game of you’re-my-friend-so-you-cant-be-their-friend. If I stop being friends with someone I want it to be because I 100% decided to ON MY OWN. I don’t like ANYONE ELSE, no matter WHO they are, influencing who I choose to be friends with. I’ve dealt with enough loss in my life to know better than to get attached to anyone.

That’s not to say losing friends sucks any less cause sometimes it really really does and sometimes, you could lose a 2 year friendship and not even bat any eyelash.

In the years I was on FFXI I made several friends in 2004 who I’m still friends with today. It seems forming and keeping friendships on FFXIV is very different — then again it seems like the object of this game is very different as well. So perhaps that plays a bit of a part here.

I’m tired of being the villain in DUDES stories. I’m tired of being the back up friend, the second thought, yet they feel they’re entitled to play the victim. And it’s a wonder why I don’t care much to make friends, to entertain others or to even seek out relationships.

What’s the point of it all?

At the end of the day I still prefer my own company filled with music, books and pretty food. I’ve never been afraid to go to the movies alone or take myself on a date or a day of Disney park hopping. I’ve done most things up until this point by myself. So much that I feel awkward when I have to endure company because I like bouncing around all over the place without reason. I love massive amounts of freedom. And I like being with my own thoughts.

I don’t make any of this a damn secret either, so why do people expect something else from me? I don’t NEED anyone’s company, ever. I WANT certain people’s company. But you can’t tell a girl who’s moved across the country and jumped states that they need you. That seems like a long shot, don’t you think?

I’ll never beg for someone’s friendship nor their company. If you feel like my company and friendship is disposable, don’t worry. I’ll believe you the first time.

But if making me the villain, just like how you make everyone else when majority of your problems could be prevented if you would just keep your mouth shut — then go off. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Whatever convinces you, to yourself, that you’re a “decent” person. Just know I refuse to play a part in any of it. You’re on your own.

Forget I ever existed, kthx.

Recap, Reflecting

Weekly Recap; June 10th – June 16th

Today’s Father’s Day but I haven’t been home in 7 years, so.

About 2 ½ weeks left until I move… I should probably start packing eh?

Two years ago on Father’s Day I was forced to get an abortion; I wrote about it on a blog I started for mental health and gaming. It was such a traumatic situation and experience. It amazes me how cruel some people can be. And how they have the audacity to not just be cruel but to also spread lies about you. If there’s anything I learned from my failed marriage though it’s that people will make up facades and worlds they believe in their heads to help them cope with who they REALLY are and hide the things about them they hate.

It doesn’t excuse them but sometimes being angry about something/someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. So instead I look at it for what it really is, accept that people are shit and unfair and I go back to working on being the best version of myself I can be and distance myself from anything negative that doesn’t serve me.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; June 10th – June 16th”

Reflecting

On relationships… and learning

Growing up I was in a shit ton of relationships in high school.

In so many in fact that I wasn’t really heartbroken if someone broke up with me because it was on to the next and I think as a kid you’re able to have that sort of mind set when really you should be focusing on graduating high school.

By the time I hit 18 and met my future husband I thought I knew a pretty good amount of shit by then. But as we all know, “love” can make you blind to things. And even when your vision starts to clear up, you’re so damn deep in it you can’t do shit now.

Through out that marriage I learned even more; that people can change even after 12 years of “knowing” them. That people are selfish. That people are cruel. That when someone SHOWS YOU they don’t give a flying fuck about you… BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME. I learned about my worth. About the easy miscommunication between males and females. About picking my battles. About how toxic being jealous can be… to yourself (especially when the other person could honestly give less than a fuck about how you feel). About how to manage and maintain a household… by myself… completely. How to sort and file taxes. How to manage health insurance. How to be 100% responsible for 2 people as if one were your fuckin incompetent child. I learned about mental health and the extremes of my mental illness. I learned how to stop being afraid of being home alone and especially at night. I learned how to meditate.

So you’d think after all of that bullshit for 12 years I’d have even more experience when it came to relationships right?

Wrong.

So very fuckin wrong.

I learned what it was like to be in an abusive relationship. Three times in a row. I learned what it was like when you’re with the wrong person. I learned the dark side of relationships and companionship.

And I’m now realizing that what I learned back then, shouldn’t had happened. Shouldn’t make sense because it doesn’t.

And it’s mind boggling to realize that my entire early adulthood and my first marriage was based and built on a lie and on false grounds. As if it shouldn’t had even existed.

It wasn’t until I jumped into this relationship with Bubba nearly 2 years ago (today next month actually is our 2 year anniversary \o/) that I realized  I don’t know what being in a REAL relationship was like! I’ve always dreamt of the relationships you see on TV or in movies where they guy totally respects his girl and how he WANTS to do nice things for her, how he WANTS to make her life easier and always wondered if guys like that were even REAL. I always dreamt of someone saying “hey get dressed, I’m taking you on a date” or someone who actually celebrates holidays and anniversaries. And I remember being married and thinking I’ll never be taken out on a date. I’ll never get flowers. I’ll never have a REAL anniversary celebration and just forcing myself to deal with it.

There are some things I don’t like about Bubba. I don’t like that he’ll be quick to tell me about myself lol but I’m an Aries, we don’t like it in general. I don’t like that he won’t fight for our relationship. Meaning, if I decide to leave he’ll let me go; I’m not gonna lie… sometimes I get emotionally impulsive and sometimes I’ll break up with someone to see if they still care. Though to be fair, I haven’t pulled that shit on him in the last 2 years (and sometimes I’m still learning who I am).

But in the last 2 years, he’s taught me so much more than I ever thought I could learn, I suppose. He’s exposed me to what a relationship should be like and despite almost it being 2 years it still blows my mind. His kindness. His thoughtfulness. His compassion. His patience. All of it. It still sometimes takes me by surprise how kind he is to me. The things he does for me without skipping a beat. How much he cares that I’m comfortable and calm and how hard he works to make sure I am. He’s re-taught me it’s okay to communicate… that you SHOULD communicate. That my burdens don’t have to be mine to carry alone. That compromise can work and can be achieved. That you’ll meet someone who WANTS to take care of you AS MUCH as they’re capable of.

He’s shown me what it REALLY is like to have your significant other be your best friend. What it’s like to have an s/o who respects you and who will WANT to defend you against anyone who has something bad to say about you. No matter how small. That despite what others have said about me, I am worthy of being loved.

He’s taught me so much about what it’s like to be in a healthy and happy relationship. That you’re not suppose to have really good days and really awful days. That fights happen but you shouldn’t go to bed still holding on to the hurt.

And it’s crazy to think this guy who’s a good amount of younger than me and has never really had a long term relationship is capable of teaching me things I thought I had already known. Is capable of showing me something new ALL THE TIME. Is capable of showing not just respect to me but to my family as well. He’s given me everything I never thought I would have or have the chance to experience.

He fills every hollow void in my soul and I’m just having one of those moments when you sit back and thing damn.

Reflecting

A Lifetime of rejection causes…

Me to not give a flying fuck about compliments.

I’ve noticed the more I post selfies on my MAKEUP INSTAGRAM, the more I get random guys sliding in my DMs.

IMG_4729

Like this one I got on Sunday.

I grew up obsessed with finding a boyfriend in high school. I knew I wasn’t by any means “pretty” especially by what teenage boys find pretty. I was skinny. I super shy and I looked like a nerd. I was so obsessed with being liked and it really shot at my self esteem when I realized I was never going to be popular or liked. It didn’t help I had a childhood friend who was the most discouraging piece of shit in the entire world. The girl was fuckin abusive.

It got to a point where I was tired of waiting so I’d ask the guys out. And I got more rejections than you could even imagine. But I convinced myself that at least I knew. At least I could move on.

When I finally did start dating a few years later, I had at that point stopped really caring what people thought. I was a tomboy and I embraced the shit out of it. I played video games. I watched wrestling. I dressed in baggy clothes, bandannas, hats. I embraced every side of me — my sadness, my hyperness, my sillyness, my sarcastic sense of humor, my idgaf attitude and if someone didn’t like it they could go. I wouldn’t miss them at all. I had found my group of friends and THEY loved me (they still do to this day!) and that’s all that really mattered. And I found when I had hit that point of my life, I attracted even MORE guys and for the most part, guys that I actually had shit in common with and that I had a lot of fun being around. And one that was actually really popular (we’re still pretty good friends to this day).

By the time I had gotten married my then husband wasn’t a jealous person. He didn’t care if I had guy friends or if I hung out with guys since he knew most of my friends growing up were guys and most of his friends growing up were girls. So we had that bit of an understanding. But it seemed when it came to guys wanting to go grab dinner to catch up or if someone I worked with bought me a drink or lunch just to be nice (even though my ex husband at the time would freely admit he didn’t care if a guy bought me dinner cause it meant that was dinner he didn’t have to pay for, nor did he like going to dinner or that he ever even paid for dinner — looking back on it, that was a pretty shitty thing to say to someone who’s suppose to be your wife) was when he would show a bit of jealousy. But if he did the same then he’d accuse me of being “crazy” or “psycho”. However the more it happened, he started to put me down.

About everything.

The way I looked, the way I dressed, my fuckin face, my personality. It’s like he pounded it into my head that I wasn’t pretty and that I wasn’t funny or interesting. Even though he would voice multiple times he hated how easy it was for me to make friends and how it wasn’t fair. I’ve never been anything but myself. I talk too much. I’m a super open book. I don’t like lying. If I offer to do something for you it’s because I sincerely want to. And every time I’d say I was a good person he would always say, “no you’re not, you’re fuckin psycho.” when I wasn’t. I never was.

He betrayed me too many times and made me do “psycho” things because he kept lying and hiding things from me.

But after years of hearing all this mess, it really plays tricks on your psych.

~*~

I don’t take easy compliments as compliments, I think they’re fillers or things people say to other people that they think they want to hear. I get you can’t really compliment someone who you don’t even know but perhaps you shouldn’t start your conversation off with a compliment to begin with.

Messaging someone with just hi seems lazy and pretty damn artificial.

As someone who runs a business account and other business blog types of account I suppose I expect something more from a first message. Even if just by his one hi already gave away why he even messaged me in the first place.

It’s seriously annoying.

My Instagram is full of makeup and pink, why the FUCK would you message an Instagram account that clearly does not look like a personal account? I will never understand the logic of idiots.

Not to mention my boyfriend is all over my fuckin feeds as well! Did they just SKIP those parts?

Which also shows the disrespect most guys on the internet have. I swear to God whenever a guy says some snarky shit about it it makes me want to track them down and hit them in the fuckin throat with a 2×4. Sorry, not sorry, some girls don’t like being hit on and don’t think you’re being funny.

This isn’t my first message and tbh I’m super getting tired of this crap.

If you’re not interested in makeup or candles or girly shit please exit off my damn feed, thanks.

Recap, Reflecting

Weekly Recap; April 15th – April 21st

I know I’m posting this on a day that isn’t Sunday but Bubba has been here this weekend and so I didn’t have time to post lol. I don’t know why, but sometimes I feel weird spending all day blogging if he’s here (even if he’s spending the week here). Which kinda sucks.

My OCD has also been so high lately that I feel like I’m constantly failing in terms of getting photos shot and blog posts up that I really want to get up. I hate how I can’t figure out a trigger or that I sometimes can’t figure out how to push passed my OCD and get things done. As if I can’t just clean everything up when I’m done or change my clothes or whatever.

I’ve been heavily debating on getting back on meds, but I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately but it’s definitely frustrating as fuck.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; April 15th – April 21st”

Reflecting

On past birthdays…

It’s my birthday week.

And though I’m not turning a significant age I thought I’d look back on all my past birthdays. As a reminder, if you will.

I’m a little sad I’m not going on vacation or doing anything epic this year for my birthday. I am going on foodie adventures through out the DFW area though which I am REALLY REALLY excited about especially since there’s a few places I’ve really wanted to try since I moved here!

But I was thinking the other day and this morning; I had mentioned to Bubba I never look forward to my birthday. Like ever. And though I’ve had traditions that I’ve held on pretty tightly to through out the years I wonder, really, how do I FEEL about my birthday?

Continue reading “On past birthdays…”