Reflecting

A Lifetime of rejection causes…

Me to not give a flying fuck about compliments.

I’ve noticed the more I post selfies on my MAKEUP INSTAGRAM, the more I get random guys sliding in my DMs.

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Like this one I got on Sunday.

I grew up obsessed with finding a boyfriend in high school. I knew I wasn’t by any means “pretty” especially by what teenage boys find pretty. I was skinny. I super shy and I looked like a nerd. I was so obsessed with being liked and it really shot at my self esteem when I realized I was never going to be popular or liked. It didn’t help I had a childhood friend who was the most discouraging piece of shit in the entire world. The girl was fuckin abusive.

It got to a point where I was tired of waiting so I’d ask the guys out. And I got more rejections than you could even imagine. But I convinced myself that at least I knew. At least I could move on.

When I finally did start dating a few years later, I had at that point stopped really caring what people thought. I was a tomboy and I embraced the shit out of it. I played video games. I watched wrestling. I dressed in baggy clothes, bandannas, hats. I embraced every side of me — my sadness, my hyperness, my sillyness, my sarcastic sense of humor, my idgaf attitude and if someone didn’t like it they could go. I wouldn’t miss them at all. I had found my group of friends and THEY loved me (they still do to this day!) and that’s all that really mattered. And I found when I had hit that point of my life, I attracted even MORE guys and for the most part, guys that I actually had shit in common with and that I had a lot of fun being around. And one that was actually really popular (we’re still pretty good friends to this day).

By the time I had gotten married my then husband wasn’t a jealous person. He didn’t care if I had guy friends or if I hung out with guys since he knew most of my friends growing up were guys and most of his friends growing up were girls. So we had that bit of an understanding. But it seemed when it came to guys wanting to go grab dinner to catch up or if someone I worked with bought me a drink or lunch just to be nice (even though my ex husband at the time would freely admit he didn’t care if a guy bought me dinner cause it meant that was dinner he didn’t have to pay for, nor did he like going to dinner or that he ever even paid for dinner — looking back on it, that was a pretty shitty thing to say to someone who’s suppose to be your wife) was when he would show a bit of jealousy. But if he did the same then he’d accuse me of being “crazy” or “psycho”. However the more it happened, he started to put me down.

About everything.

The way I looked, the way I dressed, my fuckin face, my personality. It’s like he pounded it into my head that I wasn’t pretty and that I wasn’t funny or interesting. Even though he would voice multiple times he hated how easy it was for me to make friends and how it wasn’t fair. I’ve never been anything but myself. I talk too much. I’m a super open book. I don’t like lying. If I offer to do something for you it’s because I sincerely want to. And every time I’d say I was a good person he would always say, “no you’re not, you’re fuckin psycho.” when I wasn’t. I never was.

He betrayed me too many times and made me do “psycho” things because he kept lying and hiding things from me.

But after years of hearing all this mess, it really plays tricks on your psych.

~*~

I don’t take easy compliments as compliments, I think they’re fillers or things people say to other people that they think they want to hear. I get you can’t really compliment someone who you don’t even know but perhaps you shouldn’t start your conversation off with a compliment to begin with.

Messaging someone with just hi seems lazy and pretty damn artificial.

As someone who runs a business account and other business blog types of account I suppose I expect something more from a first message. Even if just by his one hi already gave away why he even messaged me in the first place.

It’s seriously annoying.

My Instagram is full of makeup and pink, why the FUCK would you message an Instagram account that clearly does not look like a personal account? I will never understand the logic of idiots.

Not to mention my boyfriend is all over my fuckin feeds as well! Did they just SKIP those parts?

Which also shows the disrespect most guys on the internet have. I swear to God whenever a guy says some snarky shit about it it makes me want to track them down and hit them in the fuckin throat with a 2×4. Sorry, not sorry, some girls don’t like being hit on and don’t think you’re being funny.

This isn’t my first message and tbh I’m super getting tired of this crap.

If you’re not interested in makeup or candles or girly shit please exit off my damn feed, thanks.

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Recap, Reflecting

Weekly Recap; April 15th – April 21st

I know I’m posting this on a day that isn’t Sunday but Bubba has been here this weekend and so I didn’t have time to post lol. I don’t know why, but sometimes I feel weird spending all day blogging if he’s here (even if he’s spending the week here). Which kinda sucks.

My OCD has also been so high lately that I feel like I’m constantly failing in terms of getting photos shot and blog posts up that I really want to get up. I hate how I can’t figure out a trigger or that I sometimes can’t figure out how to push passed my OCD and get things done. As if I can’t just clean everything up when I’m done or change my clothes or whatever.

I’ve been heavily debating on getting back on meds, but I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately but it’s definitely frustrating as fuck.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; April 15th – April 21st”

Reflecting

On past birthdays…

It’s my birthday week.

And though I’m not turning a significant age I thought I’d look back on all my past birthdays. As a reminder, if you will.

I’m a little sad I’m not going on vacation or doing anything epic this year for my birthday. I am going on foodie adventures through out the DFW area though which I am REALLY REALLY excited about especially since there’s a few places I’ve really wanted to try since I moved here!

But I was thinking the other day and this morning; I had mentioned to Bubba I never look forward to my birthday. Like ever. And though I’ve had traditions that I’ve held on pretty tightly to through out the years I wonder, really, how do I FEEL about my birthday?

Continue reading “On past birthdays…”

Hello, Reflecting

Easter 2016

I literally don’t know why I’m getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.

I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.

Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.

Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn’t be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.

That was a lie.

I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he’d get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I’ve ALWAYS done he’d throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me. I didn’t really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.

Two year ago today was Easter.

I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn’t go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn’t seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her — in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.

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The morning of, he did what he always did.

He firmly stated we WEREN’T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent’s house.

I refused.

I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I’d call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.

So I said no. I wasn’t going. I wasn’t leaving the house if we weren’t going to Disney. That I’m sick of him lying to me.

He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.

He picked me up by my throat.

Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if “I was done acting like a child.” I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming “No. Not until you stop acting like a child.” That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened was the one acting like a child.

He finally let go.

Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn’t last for much longer. To which I replied, “put your hands on me again and I promise we won’t.” he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.

I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.

I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he’d come back. I made sure I was in bed and ‘asleep’ by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.

Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn’t just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn’t slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.

He didn’t pay rent. He didn’t pay bills. He didn’t pay electric or internet. He didn’t even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn’t pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the ‘household’ when he didn’t do shit. He didn’t even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.

This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.

And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn’t get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.

I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.

~*~

I’m thankful I’m out of that relationship. I’m thankful I’m away from all that toxic energy and I’m somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I’ll love.

Reflecting

On things other people have said/done…

I always wonder why would someone disregard someone else’s wishes to break up. Why would someone destroy someone without even batting an eyelash, and still have the ability to sleep cozy at night in the next room and DARE to blame the other person when they decide enough is enough and want to leave.

Why bring around toxic ass shit and wonder why the other person is hurting only to kick them when you’ve already pushed them off a damn cliff and NOT let them LEAVE?

I never understood why or how someone could drag someone down even lower despite all the shit they’ve already done and said over and over again.

While these people who do nothing but tear others down are free to skip off and find someone else to go tear down and leave the previous person in a pile of broken mess.

Continue reading “On things other people have said/done…”

Hello, Reflecting

Hello Spring \o/

Shut ya mouth, it’s Spring.

There was a Silverfish spotted on my wall — IT’S SPRING.

I’ve been sneezing my ass off for weeks — IT’S SPRING.

Bitch it ain’t 11° every night here in Texas — IT’S SPRING.

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Also Valentine’s Day is rolling up way too fast! I have SOME blog posts in the works and SOME I’ve thought of writing but I definitely don’t have 14 of them hoes and I need to. Wtf was I doing all end of January. Oh. Stressing, that’s what. Pffft.

Continue reading “Hello Spring \o/”