It’s National Suicide Prevention Day….

And I naturally felt like I should say something.

WordPress recently told me I’ve hit my 3 year mark here and that’s amazing to think about. Considering 3 years ago I was in Cali and it feels like a lifetime ago. The last few months have sucked really hard and the last few weeks have sort of made up for it.

Marriage, I believe, is a very strange thing. It’s everything changes, and nothing changes all at the same time. But you don’t know where that line begins and where it ends and what if you’re both not on the same page? Then what? I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet.

Maybe we should talk about what today is.

I had my first suicidal thought when I was 13. I was sitting on the floor during lunch with my friends, my head rested on the wall behind me and I remember saying, “what would happen if I killed myself?” and my friends at the time were like, “you would die, obviously.”

But as I got older and as things got harder and as I was exposed to abuse, suicide was something that was always heavily on my mind. And the things I would do to kill or silence the pain were things that at the end of the day only made it worse.

When I was 19 I somehow ended up with OCD. I wish I could describe what the feeling is like when OCD and depression team up and feed each other. It’s an intense pain in both your chest and mind that damn near destroys you. And when I finally got help at 21 I decided to take medication, determined to beat both my OCD and my depression.

But that’s not how it really works. Clearly I was no expert on OCD and at the time there wasn’t much that would pop up on Google about it and still to this day no one really knows how it happens. It’s like a silent invisible killer. Creeping around in your brain, hiding and taunting you. Making you believe things that aren’t real and don’t make sense. Making you do things you’re not even aware you’re doing and making you fear life in general. And 21 year old me thought I could heal myself? Shit. I must had had a lot of confidence in myself because I sure did not have a plan.

Now at 29 I finally gave in and got the help I needed. I love my doctor back home for all his understanding and for being such a huge support to me all the years I was in therapy and never pushing medication on me after I declined it all those years ago. And I honestly, would love to pay him a visit when I visit home this year so he can see how much I’ve changed.

For the first time in my life I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I feel almost like a brand new person. My mind isn’t so foggy anymore and my demons aren’t so loud. I can think for myself, decide for myself and stop myself if I wanted to. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. My mind doesn’t betray me every single day.

There is such a stigma for mental illnesses and there is an even bigger stigma for people who take medication for mental illnesses. Still to this day it’s always, “don’t tell anyone, they’ll think you’re crazy.” “keep it to yourself” talked in hushed voices and in fear someone might look at me differently.

But I’m here to say yes I spent the majority of my life suffering from depression and yes I spent the majority of my adulthood suffering from OCD and intrusive thoughts and yes I am on medication and you know what? I feel more alive and more me than I’ve EVER felt and I’m really excited to get to know the 29 year old me who is really just me. I’m excited to see where my life is going from here. I’m excited every morning I wake up. And it’s such a weird feeling but it’s amazing and strange too, all at the same time.

If you’re suffering from depression, from OCD, from anxiety, from anything. You’re not alone. I know it’s so easy to feel like you are and no one would care enough to listen, but you’re wrong. People care. But you have to reach out to them, people can’t read your mind and they don’t know if you’re suffering or not. Talk to a friend, a parent, a trusted older cousin or make an appointment to see a doctor. I won’t lie, it’ll take awhile to find the right one for you but once you do, it’ll change your life. Everything, no matter how dark things are now and how hopeless everything feels, will be okay. If you’ve spent this long suffering from something, think of how easy it’ll be to let it go.

If you need someone to talk to, I’m here too. I might not know you and you might not know me but I do know that I will be here to talk to you and help you out as much as I can. I know it’s not easy and I know it’s scary and dark.

Life is worth living as hard as it is to believe that. And I wish all of you out there who are in the dark find your light.

See you in Neverland…

Hook 10

Those of us who grew up in the 90’s grew up with movies like Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, Aladdin and my favorite… Hook.

Robin Williams is one of my husband’s favorite actors. Someone he admires and I frequently catch him watching Patch Adams which is only the most depressing movie in the history of depressing movies.

When the news broke yesterday afternoon, I don’t think anyone could believe it. Robin Williams? One of the most admired actors in this lifetime? The man who provided so many with laughter and good feelings? Committed suicide? How is that possible.

The saddest people hide behind public happiness and humor.

That’s how.

And if you don’t personally know anyone like this, consider yourself lucky. Because it’s something very tragic and something that even their loved ones can’t reach them through.

Suicide and mental illness has been on my mind since I started my journey about a month ago; but depression and suicide has been heavy on my mind as of late.

My situations tend to make my emotions run a little bit and I’m still trying to get the hang of things but I’m a lot more calm than I was before I started the journey. Still, when things get rough I turn to A and last night she texted me this:

Hazel I love you so much. I would still jump in a car at any point if it meant saving your life. I’m so happy to have you in my life girlfriend!

 

And I literally just bawled out of control. Sometimes depression does a good job of masking things and clouding your logic train of thought. All you can think about is right now, how much you’re hurting, how it seems so hopeless and it will never stop and how you just want it to end. That’s the main thing on your mind is the pain and wanting it to end.

Who knows what Robin Williams was suffering from. But I hope that wherever he is he’s not hurting anymore and he’s happy. He’s as happy as he made the rest of the world with his talent and his jokes.

Rest in Peace Robin, you’ll always be my favorite Peter Pan ♥.

She, she ain’t real…

SPiNNiNG: Rumor Has It/Someone Like You — Glee

So between now and my last entry — things didn’t really get any better.

My lower back is freakin killing me.

I’m gonna blog this standing up, cause this is seriously insane.

But within the month that has passed, things, if anything got significantly worse. As if I didn’t think they could get any worse than they already were. But that’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? It can always get worse.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead…

So I had to step back. I had to calm down. I had to think. Which was hard when you’re sucked into a black vortex of straight up fury and depression. And I had to reevaluate what I wanted. What I deserved and how to get it. Revenge would had been sweet, but that’s not what we’re talking about.

So the last — in total — three months have been straight up crap. So much crap that I dropped ten pounds, that I barely went to work and I barely passed any of my classes. I barely slept. I barely did anything. I just… didn’t care. Why care. We were seeing just where caring was getting me. Nowhere. And nothing.

Thank goodness for my girl A for saving me and being there for me the last three months or I woulda lost my damn mind!

I probably already did, regardless.

I’m beating around the bush.

So my OCD was a primary focus in all of this, because my anxiety had significantly spiked up. And I do mean SPIKED. UP. Like I was constantly anxious. I was constantly on the edge. I was constantly angry and depressed and I felt like my emotions were going to consume me whole. So I did what I said I wouldn’t do because I can beat this naturally. Except it’s been ten years. I need a little help.

So I got a little bit of help and the little bit of help has been A LOT of help the last few days. I feel better already; I feel more clear minded, I’m not anxious anymore (thank goodness), I’m not wallowing in depression, I’m getting back to focusing on the things that made me happy and the things I like doing and I’m feeling good. I’m not happy just yet. But I’m feeling better than I have in the last three months — in the last ten years. That’s for sure. I see small changes with my OCD lately and I’m glad of the progress I’m making. They’re things I thought would never stop bothering me and now I can just ignore them like they’re not a big deal — because they’re not.

I actually had a bit of an argument with my OCD yesterday while doing the laundry. It’s not as dominant and strong or loud as it use to be. There are times when I’ll mindlessly give in to smaller things but this particular thing I figured the only reason why I’m even getting slightly anxious is because I keep thinking about it. So I went off to do something else. Needless to say, by the time I pulled the CLEAN laundry out of the dryer I had no desire to rewash it even though my OCD was trying to get me to and I survived just fine. It’s nice and it’s different to be able to separate the two. I mean I’ve always been aware of the OCD and my own rational thought but before it felt like the OCD was taking over my rational thought and turning it into what it wanted. But now I can step back, back enough that I can decide what I want to do.

And to have that control back after so many years.

It’s nice.

And I’m excited about this journey.

So to the people who made my life a living hell the last three months, thanks. You guys are still assholes but at least now I’m on a journey to a better, happier, healthier me and well… you guys are still stuck in your shithole.

Things I love about myself

I’m feeling a little down and I was thinking of making a Facebook status that said Hey guys, feeling down, anyone wanna share something they think is cool about me? But I figured that would be thirsty and I don’t really know how well people actually know me anymore. So I figured, why don’t I write a list of things I love about myself instead.

The last month has sucked for me. Straight up just sucked. And negative emotions have been flying all over the place. I’ve called the Suicide Hotline about 3 times. And not so much because I’m about of jump off my building or anything but because I just wanted someone who doesn’t know me to talk to. Without feeling judged. I’ve also done a lot of self reflecting in the last week or so and I’m working towards being a healthier me but emotionally, spiritually, mentally (hopefully) and physically.

I have a bit of an addiction to sleeping aids and I’ve realized that while I do love that awesome drowsy feeling, every day I wake up I’m pretty much a zombie. Depending on what I take I won’t even remember what I did that next day. Like, at all. While that seems great to someone who can’t stop thinking and feeling, it’s pretty much not considering you’re running away from your problems.

Anyway! On with the list!

  • I think I’m pretty funny and quirky
  • I love that I’m nerdy and I never get embarrassed about geeking out over something I love
  • I love that obsess over things and fall in love with fictional characters easily
  • I love that I’m not afraid to be who I am in front of other people anymore
  • I love my eyes, I think they’re kinda cool
  • I love my long thick hair. Though I’d love it more if it stopped clogging the drain
  • I love how aware I am of my mental illness and how I’m not afraid to talk about it
  • I love that I’m into a million different things that are totally unrelated
  • I love how excited I get when I discover a new dubstep song and I’m waiting for the beat to drop
  • I love how looking at pictures of pretty food makes me happy
  • I love how much I love Instagram and Pinterest
  • I love all the messed up things that have happened in my life because despite that sometimes it catches up and traps me it helps me learn how to be a better me
  • I love how I love kickboxing, that’s probably the most unexpected thing to ever happen to me
  • I love that I’m a little bit ghetto and I love where I came from
  • I love how watching Wishes and The Electric Parade are enough to remind me to follow my dreams
  • I love how I follow my dreams, like, sometimes it’s kinda over the top
  • I love how I want to do ALL THE THINGS. ALL THE TIME.
  • I love how my day is usually focused on what I’m going to eat
  • I love that I love being home versus out in a club
  • It might not be much to look at when I’m not active but I kinda really love my ass
  • I love my hips

Maybe I shoulda narrowed it down so I could continue to do this through a number of days. I need to remind myself that I do love myself and that I am worth someone’s time and attention. I need to make sure that my opinion of myself is the ONLY opinion that should matter and I need to remind myself that I’m enough. Whatever happens in my life or in my marriage does not define WHO I am or WHAT KIND of wife I am. Not everything revolves around me. I didn’t fail as a best friend and I didn’t fail as a wife. Sometimes life just gets in the way but I didn’t fail. And I’m not a failure.

I’m a work in progress, but at least now, I’m actively working on it. I’ll be okay and when I get through this I’ll be a better, happier, healthier me.

Don’t expect so much they said…

You’ll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.

I know, it’s been a really long time since I’ve been here.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on any blog, writing or reading. I don’t even watch YouTube videos that much anymore.

I’m a little upset, not going to lie, that a year with a four in it has been so rough so far and that it’s the ten year anniversary of everything for us and we’ve been struggling as well. I guess I just expected too much. Like life owes me something too much. That might had contributed to the downfall.

The last month in particular has been really rough on me and while it seems like some aspects of my life are getting even worse, I’m just… tired of caring I guess. I’m tired of letting other people control my emotions. I’m tired of laying in bed depressed out of my mind and relying on sleeping aids to drift me off to sleep and shut my mind off for me.

And so I made the decision last week to get up.  To get back to building the life I want because it’s MY life and only I can make sure I create it the way I want. I threw away my sleeping pills and last night was night 2 without them which was harder than night 1. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. The only reason why I was able to sleep on the first night was because I did some pretty intense kickboxing the day before that and I was still worn out from it. Which makes me miss kickboxing classes. There’s nothing nicer than the tiredness you get from a work out like that. I’m not sure if it’s the same for all work outs since I don’t really work out. I just kickbox lol. I’ve been consumed by anxiety a lot lately, like crazy amounts of it. Which I think is what’s making me depressed the most and so I’m trying to get that in control. It’s all in my mind. And damn is my mind powerful. But only against me. Crazy piece of shit.

Thunderstorm season has started here in Florida and I can’t say I’m excited. It’s exciting when you know, you’re not required to work outside and stand in the storms. But since that isn’t really the case this summer… there you go.

So here’s to a new month and to starting over…

Book Haul

stuckinthislife_review

FOR REVIEW FROM AMAZON VINE

  • The Promise of Amazing by Robin Constantine
  • The Geography of You and Me by Jennifer E. Smith

WON

  • Side Effects May Vary by Julie Murphy

 
 

stuckinthislife_netgalley

NEGALLEY

  • Herbs for Stress & Anxiety by Rosemary Gladstar
  • Oblivion by Sasha Dawn
  • Sugar Baby by Gesine Bullock-Prado
  • 18 Truths by Jamie Ayres
  • The Break-Up Artist by Philip Siegel
  • Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off by Jill Steeples
  • The Best Kind of Broken by Chelsea Fine
  • Undone by Shannon Richard
  • Sing Sweet Nightingale by Erica Cameron
  • Witchfall by Victoria Lamb
  • Crazy For You by Emma Heatherington
  • My Date From Hell by Tellulah Darling
  • Before I Wake by C.L. Taylor

 

I didn’t snap a picture of the books I bought because they’re all on my Kindle annnnd I forgot haha.

 

What did you get this week?

Mini skirt with my J’s on…

SPiNNiNG: 23 by Miley Cyrus

Why am I listening to this? It’s so freakin catchy. Ugh. Not the point of this post lol.

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Let’s talk.

Some people spend an awful lot of time discussing other people and it’s such a pet peeve and a huge turn off for me. Like, why are you fixated on the way this person looks, sounds, says or their sexual preference? What does any of that have to do with you or your life? It just doesn’t make any sense. Then they ask for my opinion which honestly is just bait to back them up then end up disappointed when I say I don’t have an opinion or care about the subject. Because I *have* to have some kind of opinion.

Pffft.

There’s a difference between having an opinion and being an asshole. Sure I may have an initial reaction to someone out of either shock or awe but whatever it is doesn’t always need to be said outloud and honestly even if I have an opinion of someone I’m sure within 2 seconds I’ve moved on.

The things you say about someone is not a reflection of them, it’s a reflection of you.

Just something to think about.

I’m completely aware that I’m by no means perfect. I’m flawed to the moon and back. But at least I’m fully aware of my flaws, I don’t do much to hide them because honestly if someone doesn’t like me, they won’t like me. If they don’t accept me, that’s fine, they don’t have to. So who am I to judge someone else?

Besides, I’m too focused on my hustle and too focused on making myself a better person.

Bonjour Février!

b262561e8a4e50c8b1a564ce254c00c1[ credit to Pinterest ]

It’s 75° here in Orlando but it feels much colder than that in my apartment so the heater is still running. It’s suppose to rain and thunder today, I’m pretty excited about that! We’ve had rain all week but no thunder and lightning. Which, hello! Is the best part, right?!

I fell out of focus completely the end of last month. Mostly because M was sick with the flu and I spent most of the day trying to get chores and homework done before he would get home so I could focus all my attention and energy on taking care of him. But truth is, I shouldn’t had fallen out of focus. I can’t.

So here are some goals I’m hoping to accomplish this month…

  • Go back to sleeping & waking up early

  • Discover 2 new products

  • Get homework done in the beginning of week

  • Come up with Valentines Day themed posts

  • Tidy living room

  • Build a light box

  • Build dresser

  • Read!!

  • Fix up blog about me pages

  • Film Defy review

  • Make homemade gum drops

  • Learn how to knit

 

Trying to keep it simple. I mean these are all attainable, right? Nothing way too out there!

So here’s to hoping that February is a productive one!

What are some of your goals for this month?

There’s really no good lyric for a title in this song…

SPiNNiNG: This Luv by Donell Jones ♥

It’s cold. I’m listening to mellow ass slow jams. And I have a slight headache. The only thing I’m really thinking is how much I would love to be standing at the pier in San Francisco looking out into the water tonight. There are moments I miss SF so fiercely which is crazy! After high school I’ve kept my distance from going there so often. I guess in a weird way I kind of ruined the city for myself. But it doesn’t stop me from missing it.

Living nowhere near a city really blows. There’s something about the busy of a city, the creativity in the air, everything just at your fingertips. I feel like I’m in the middle of nowhere here. What makes it worse is that almost no one speaks English. And I live in Florida, so what the heyhey is going on? Did I miss something?

Feb starts in 2 hours and like the turn of every new month I’m all MAKE ALL THE GOALS! I need to cool it lol. But there are some projects I want to work on for Valentines Day, even if they’re just for myself. It’s all good. Half the bills are paid for Feb and it’s still Jan. I’d call that pretty successful. Who knew having a calender would really make that much of a difference? Crazy right?

So Valentines Day is coming up and M still hasn’t asked me. I know; you’re married, does it matter? YES. IT MATTERS. CAUSE I WANT IT TO MATTER. OKAY? Gotta keep the romance alive folks. Or find any possible way you can to torment your husband. Whichever. But we were talkin about something and I was telling him that I never had a Valentine before we started dating. So… 19 years. I mean I had a Valentine for like the last hour of VDay once. Does that count? But you get what I mean. But I never really felt like I needed one… I had the most amazing and loving friends a person could ask for and my mom always gave me flowers and gifts. But now that I’m living away from my mom and I don’t have very many friends anymore and my husband isn’t one to take Valentines Day too seriously well… it gets a little lonely.

I know, how lame, right?

I think I’m going to wrap myself in my blankets like a burrito. Mmm. I could go for a burrito.

In the back of mind…

I’m scrolling through Facebook, looking up old friends who are on my friend’s list but I haven’t talked to in years.

And I can’t help but see the years of their lives I’ve missed. The years where they’ve grown, accomplished things, seen things, experienced things and all I can think about is how close we were when we were kids and wonder what happened. When did we drift away? Was it something that happened? Something that was said? Or was it just distance and time? Was it just because we grew up?

A forever friend stopped by when I came home last year for Christmas and he was the only person I saw while I was home. We’re both on the East Coast now but in different states so we don’t see each other or talk as much as we use to but he is someone incredibly important to me. But seeing him again, I didn’t have much to say like I use to. I don’t know if it was just because life is different now or because our lives are different. I’m not the same drama filled, boy crazy kid I use to be and honestly, my life isn’t interesting enough to keep up conversation with someone but in all honesty, it sort of made me sad.

Am I drifting away from everyone?

There’s nothing more hallow than realizing that people you’ve known since you were a kid are within your reach but you don’t know how to reconnect with these people. It’s a strange feeling to know that your circle of friends isn’t a circle. It’s just you. You alone in a room.

How do you get back to talking to people when it’s not in a professional setting? How do you talk to people casually? What do you say? I don’t drink. I don’t party. I don’t have crazy stories to tell anymore. And I wonder if that’s where I got boring.