Cause we’re young and we’re reckless…

Funny how much can change in a month. In a week. In a weekend. In a day. In an hour. In one single fuckin minute.

I’ve tried and I’ve tried to stay positive, continue on this thin path of self recovery and rediscovery and find my happiness but something like that is hard to find when the person you’re with is on the complete opposite of where you are and isn’t interested in giving themselves the chance to change their own lives. Like my friend always tell me you can’t want something for someone more than they want it for themselves and expect it to happen. But if my job is to challenge you, push you, inspire you… why would you just turn your back on me so easily? Will you ever face the things that bother you?

Along this journey and along this craptastic year I’ve learned so much more about myself than I thought I ever would. I can not freakin wait for this year to finally BE OVER but in a really resistant sort of way, I’m glad that the shit things that happened, happened. Because it made me realize that maybe I’m not suppose to be here… with you. It opened my eyes to the things that, now thinking back, have always been there but I just looked passed them I guess. I never really pointed them out or paid much attention to it and now finally SEEING this, it’s driving me crazy.

I’m the type of person who has a million crazy idea’s and I get inspired super easily and the holidays excite me. I love the lights, the colors, the music, the air, the peppermint everything… I love it all. And when I look beside me and the person I’m with is sort of just grazing over everything, has no opinion on how to trim the tree, has no idea’s on how to decorate the apartment or on a tradition we should start… it kind of sucks. And my mom keeps telling me, she had do it too. My dad didn’t put much effort into the holidays but she put up the tree, turned on the lights, turned on the music, bought favorite foods… but she wasn’t happy. And it’s crazy to hear her tell me that 29 years later when I think about my childhood Christmas and how perfect things were before my dad went and shattered that image. I thought of how festive she made everything. I thought of how she keeps the lights on well after everyone’s fallen asleep and the music. So if I go to pee in the middle of the night the lights and music is still softly playing and the house is warm. And the cats are still awake. She pulled it together, for her kids. She tried to make it as normal as she could. And if I look back, I couldn’t tell she wasn’t happy.

I don’t know how many times I’ve called her crying and she’ll ask me what happened. She’ll ask if he hit me. She’ll tell me it’s okay to feel disappointed. It’s okay to be sad and angry. It’s definitely okay to cry and she will sit on the phone with me until I’ve slowed down and ask me normal questions, talk about normal things. Sometimes she’ll say something sarcastic and I’ll end up laughing when I cry. But she always tells me it’s okay to sit down and cry once in awhile, as long as you get up and do something positive and productive after. She knows how hard this is for me, because she went through the exact same thing and it sucks. It sucks that my biggest fear when it came to marriage is coming true. And I think of all that shit that’s like you subconsciously pick someone just like your dad. And crap like that. I mean, we were 19, does that really count? I didn’t know.

I took down the Christmas stuff, folded the tree back up and told him if he wanted Christmas then he can put the tree back up and the fairy lights I spent 4 hours making and he didn’t want to help me put them on. It’s cool, whatevs. But mom is right. This is my apartment and if I want to enjoy Christmas then I SHOULD. And no one should have the power to take anything away from me. I’m finally on my own and I can do whatever I want.

So let’s do that. Let’s deck the shit out of this apartment. Let’s run up the electric bill with lights. Let’s craft something festive. Let me make something beautiful and bright to send this shit year off with.

Cause 2015 is mine. And fuck you if you try to take it from me.

Risking it although it’s hard…

I know I have not been here in forever and I always think back to updating this blog but it seems like… I don’t know. I have so much to say but not enough to say, if that makes sense? This year has been really tough on me; emotionally and mentally. I’ve gone on journey’s and I’ve gone into angry rages. I’ve tried simple yoga and meditation. I’ve researched mindfulness and I try to practice gratitude as often as I can. My mom has been sending me lots of cards with positive reminders and advice which has helped me every time I’ve fallen off the path I’m on. Right now I feel like I’m sitting on a rock within my path making faces at the ground because I don’t know… well I do. But honestly I’m lazy. This path is never ending. But I know if I just stick with it and if I just keep pushing instead of curling up into a ball in my closet wishing the day away I’ll get better and easier. I wish I could believe in myself the way people believe in me. Then again, no one would feel worthless if that were to actually happen and we’d never know personal struggle or personal improvement or what it’s like to strive for something, would we?

Those who know me in real life or on my social media sites probably had an indication that I was on my way to being separated/divorced by the time the summer had ended. A lot of really bad and hurtful stuff happened and I didn’t know what to do, all I knew was I wanted to get out as quickly as I could. That he would never understand the pain he put me through and maybe I should had written about it somewhere but I didn’t. I mostly just kept to myself and cried and at some points I didn’t even get out of bed until 5PM just to go back to bed at 8 or 9. It was seriously awful. As someone who wants to do ALL THE THINGS and who’s constantly making lists in her sleep and finding places to eat to not even being hungry. I lost 10 pounds in one month and I’m slowly gaining the weight back but I was SO sad at myself. I let myself down, it wasn’t about him or what he did anymore it was the fact that I disregarded myself and my health because of something someone else was doing to me. And that’s what got me into positive thinking, meditating, yoga, practicing gratitude… was that no one teaches you that YOU are capable of creating YOUR OWN happiness. That YOU should NEVER make SOMEONE ELSE responsible for your happiness. And I should had known this, right? I swear I knew this when I was younger. But just because you’re older and married doesn’t mean you should lose sight of the fact that if you can’t love yourself then how can you expect anyone else to love you?

Since then we’ve talked about it and I think we’re finally on a path to recovery. To being best friends again. To the communication we use to have with each other. It’s a slow process and it’s going to take a lot of time but the truth is people can give you all the advice they want (most of them being “you should break up with him and find someone else” like it’s that easy or not putting other factors into consideration) but it’s YOU who has to LIVE with the CHOICE you make. At the end of the day, at the end of your life, it’s still YOUR choice.

I came across this today and it totally just made an impact on everything that’s happened recently and in the last few months.

Pretty powerful, right? I think once the intimacy stops that’s when problems start. My husband is really into skin-to-skin contact. I remember when we were kids he use to do this thing when I’d get sad where he’d lift my shirt to expose my belly and lift his shirt to expose his and he’d rub our bellies together saying “belly rub! belly rub!” like seriously, how can you NOT cheer up after that? He’s obsessed with morning cuddles and spending time together. We both noticed the other doesn’t touch the other anymore. And so we say something. He always makes sure to grab my hand now even if we’ve literally just stepped out the door. And I remember if we were walking around my house back in CA, like to go downstairs or something he’d always hold my hand. He’d hold my hand while he was playing video games. He was constantly making skin-to-skin contact. I don’t get it, but apparently it’s something he needs. I’m happy with just being cuddled, as long as he doesn’t fall asleep cause then he’ll drool and I’ll be irritated.

Marriage is hard and it sucks how hard it is, no matter how long you’ve been together or what you’ve been through or what life will throw at you next. But when you think about it, really think about it, could you imagine your life without this person in it anymore? One thing that got to me was a good friend of mine recently divorced her husband, they had grown up together and were together for 10 years too and it just blew me away how easily she just let him go. She had this perfect fairytale wedding and this fairytale marriage that most people may never experience. At least I know my marriage will never be that cute or fairytale-ish and she just let it go like it was no big deal. Like he never meant anything to her and it’s just crazy, seeing someone go through that process over weeks. I could never imagine myself letting go of M that easily. It would be impossible. And I wouldn’t be able to let him go if I didn’t at least try to make things better. Like M always says; no one in this world knows us better than the other person. And though he was making rash mistakes I should had known better and I should had been more confident that no one knows him like I do. And no one ever will. And that the things he’s going through are his things and perhaps, though he had hurt me over and over, I should had asked him what was wrong. And that is the hardest part, knowing something is troubling your spouse and not having the courage to ask them to talk about it because their actions are hurting you.

And yeah, maybe that’s stupid to say because they shouldn’t be hurting you at all. But the reality of it is that we’re all human. We all have shit we’re dealing with. Shit that we’ll tell people and shit we won’t tell a soul. And there’s all this talk about when you get married you’re sacrificing everything for the other person because that’s what you agreed to. I half believe that’s true and I half don’t. You should still be able to BE YOU. And YOU should ALWAYS come first. Regardless if you’re married or not. So find that balance. Or surrender and show compassion first. Maybe the other person really needs it and doesn’t know how to ask for it. Or is too ashamed to, regardless of how well you know each other. And there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that.

You’re here to learn together and grow together. To help each other figure out this life thing.

At least, that’s my perspective on things.

It’s National Suicide Prevention Day….

And I naturally felt like I should say something.

WordPress recently told me I’ve hit my 3 year mark here and that’s amazing to think about. Considering 3 years ago I was in Cali and it feels like a lifetime ago. The last few months have sucked really hard and the last few weeks have sort of made up for it.

Marriage, I believe, is a very strange thing. It’s everything changes, and nothing changes all at the same time. But you don’t know where that line begins and where it ends and what if you’re both not on the same page? Then what? I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet.

Maybe we should talk about what today is.

I had my first suicidal thought when I was 13. I was sitting on the floor during lunch with my friends, my head rested on the wall behind me and I remember saying, “what would happen if I killed myself?” and my friends at the time were like, “you would die, obviously.”

But as I got older and as things got harder and as I was exposed to abuse, suicide was something that was always heavily on my mind. And the things I would do to kill or silence the pain were things that at the end of the day only made it worse.

When I was 19 I somehow ended up with OCD. I wish I could describe what the feeling is like when OCD and depression team up and feed each other. It’s an intense pain in both your chest and mind that damn near destroys you. And when I finally got help at 21 I decided to take medication, determined to beat both my OCD and my depression.

But that’s not how it really works. Clearly I was no expert on OCD and at the time there wasn’t much that would pop up on Google about it and still to this day no one really knows how it happens. It’s like a silent invisible killer. Creeping around in your brain, hiding and taunting you. Making you believe things that aren’t real and don’t make sense. Making you do things you’re not even aware you’re doing and making you fear life in general. And 21 year old me thought I could heal myself? Shit. I must had had a lot of confidence in myself because I sure did not have a plan.

Now at 29 I finally gave in and got the help I needed. I love my doctor back home for all his understanding and for being such a huge support to me all the years I was in therapy and never pushing medication on me after I declined it all those years ago. And I honestly, would love to pay him a visit when I visit home this year so he can see how much I’ve changed.

For the first time in my life I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I feel almost like a brand new person. My mind isn’t so foggy anymore and my demons aren’t so loud. I can think for myself, decide for myself and stop myself if I wanted to. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. My mind doesn’t betray me every single day.

There is such a stigma for mental illnesses and there is an even bigger stigma for people who take medication for mental illnesses. Still to this day it’s always, “don’t tell anyone, they’ll think you’re crazy.” “keep it to yourself” talked in hushed voices and in fear someone might look at me differently.

But I’m here to say yes I spent the majority of my life suffering from depression and yes I spent the majority of my adulthood suffering from OCD and intrusive thoughts and yes I am on medication and you know what? I feel more alive and more me than I’ve EVER felt and I’m really excited to get to know the 29 year old me who is really just me. I’m excited to see where my life is going from here. I’m excited every morning I wake up. And it’s such a weird feeling but it’s amazing and strange too, all at the same time.

If you’re suffering from depression, from OCD, from anxiety, from anything. You’re not alone. I know it’s so easy to feel like you are and no one would care enough to listen, but you’re wrong. People care. But you have to reach out to them, people can’t read your mind and they don’t know if you’re suffering or not. Talk to a friend, a parent, a trusted older cousin or make an appointment to see a doctor. I won’t lie, it’ll take awhile to find the right one for you but once you do, it’ll change your life. Everything, no matter how dark things are now and how hopeless everything feels, will be okay. If you’ve spent this long suffering from something, think of how easy it’ll be to let it go.

If you need someone to talk to, I’m here too. I might not know you and you might not know me but I do know that I will be here to talk to you and help you out as much as I can. I know it’s not easy and I know it’s scary and dark.

Life is worth living as hard as it is to believe that. And I wish all of you out there who are in the dark find your light.

See you in Neverland…

Hook 10

Those of us who grew up in the 90’s grew up with movies like Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, Aladdin and my favorite… Hook.

Robin Williams is one of my husband’s favorite actors. Someone he admires and I frequently catch him watching Patch Adams which is only the most depressing movie in the history of depressing movies.

When the news broke yesterday afternoon, I don’t think anyone could believe it. Robin Williams? One of the most admired actors in this lifetime? The man who provided so many with laughter and good feelings? Committed suicide? How is that possible.

The saddest people hide behind public happiness and humor.

That’s how.

And if you don’t personally know anyone like this, consider yourself lucky. Because it’s something very tragic and something that even their loved ones can’t reach them through.

Suicide and mental illness has been on my mind since I started my journey about a month ago; but depression and suicide has been heavy on my mind as of late.

My situations tend to make my emotions run a little bit and I’m still trying to get the hang of things but I’m a lot more calm than I was before I started the journey. Still, when things get rough I turn to A and last night she texted me this:

Hazel I love you so much. I would still jump in a car at any point if it meant saving your life. I’m so happy to have you in my life girlfriend!

 

And I literally just bawled out of control. Sometimes depression does a good job of masking things and clouding your logic train of thought. All you can think about is right now, how much you’re hurting, how it seems so hopeless and it will never stop and how you just want it to end. That’s the main thing on your mind is the pain and wanting it to end.

Who knows what Robin Williams was suffering from. But I hope that wherever he is he’s not hurting anymore and he’s happy. He’s as happy as he made the rest of the world with his talent and his jokes.

Rest in Peace Robin, you’ll always be my favorite Peter Pan ♥.

She, she ain’t real…

SPiNNiNG: Rumor Has It/Someone Like You — Glee

So between now and my last entry — things didn’t really get any better.

My lower back is freakin killing me.

I’m gonna blog this standing up, cause this is seriously insane.

But within the month that has passed, things, if anything got significantly worse. As if I didn’t think they could get any worse than they already were. But that’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? It can always get worse.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead…

So I had to step back. I had to calm down. I had to think. Which was hard when you’re sucked into a black vortex of straight up fury and depression. And I had to reevaluate what I wanted. What I deserved and how to get it. Revenge would had been sweet, but that’s not what we’re talking about.

So the last — in total — three months have been straight up crap. So much crap that I dropped ten pounds, that I barely went to work and I barely passed any of my classes. I barely slept. I barely did anything. I just… didn’t care. Why care. We were seeing just where caring was getting me. Nowhere. And nothing.

Thank goodness for my girl A for saving me and being there for me the last three months or I woulda lost my damn mind!

I probably already did, regardless.

I’m beating around the bush.

So my OCD was a primary focus in all of this, because my anxiety had significantly spiked up. And I do mean SPIKED. UP. Like I was constantly anxious. I was constantly on the edge. I was constantly angry and depressed and I felt like my emotions were going to consume me whole. So I did what I said I wouldn’t do because I can beat this naturally. Except it’s been ten years. I need a little help.

So I got a little bit of help and the little bit of help has been A LOT of help the last few days. I feel better already; I feel more clear minded, I’m not anxious anymore (thank goodness), I’m not wallowing in depression, I’m getting back to focusing on the things that made me happy and the things I like doing and I’m feeling good. I’m not happy just yet. But I’m feeling better than I have in the last three months — in the last ten years. That’s for sure. I see small changes with my OCD lately and I’m glad of the progress I’m making. They’re things I thought would never stop bothering me and now I can just ignore them like they’re not a big deal — because they’re not.

I actually had a bit of an argument with my OCD yesterday while doing the laundry. It’s not as dominant and strong or loud as it use to be. There are times when I’ll mindlessly give in to smaller things but this particular thing I figured the only reason why I’m even getting slightly anxious is because I keep thinking about it. So I went off to do something else. Needless to say, by the time I pulled the CLEAN laundry out of the dryer I had no desire to rewash it even though my OCD was trying to get me to and I survived just fine. It’s nice and it’s different to be able to separate the two. I mean I’ve always been aware of the OCD and my own rational thought but before it felt like the OCD was taking over my rational thought and turning it into what it wanted. But now I can step back, back enough that I can decide what I want to do.

And to have that control back after so many years.

It’s nice.

And I’m excited about this journey.

So to the people who made my life a living hell the last three months, thanks. You guys are still assholes but at least now I’m on a journey to a better, happier, healthier me and well… you guys are still stuck in your shithole.

Things I love about myself

I’m feeling a little down and I was thinking of making a Facebook status that said Hey guys, feeling down, anyone wanna share something they think is cool about me? But I figured that would be thirsty and I don’t really know how well people actually know me anymore. So I figured, why don’t I write a list of things I love about myself instead.

The last month has sucked for me. Straight up just sucked. And negative emotions have been flying all over the place. I’ve called the Suicide Hotline about 3 times. And not so much because I’m about of jump off my building or anything but because I just wanted someone who doesn’t know me to talk to. Without feeling judged. I’ve also done a lot of self reflecting in the last week or so and I’m working towards being a healthier me but emotionally, spiritually, mentally (hopefully) and physically.

I have a bit of an addiction to sleeping aids and I’ve realized that while I do love that awesome drowsy feeling, every day I wake up I’m pretty much a zombie. Depending on what I take I won’t even remember what I did that next day. Like, at all. While that seems great to someone who can’t stop thinking and feeling, it’s pretty much not considering you’re running away from your problems.

Anyway! On with the list!

  • I think I’m pretty funny and quirky
  • I love that I’m nerdy and I never get embarrassed about geeking out over something I love
  • I love that obsess over things and fall in love with fictional characters easily
  • I love that I’m not afraid to be who I am in front of other people anymore
  • I love my eyes, I think they’re kinda cool
  • I love my long thick hair. Though I’d love it more if it stopped clogging the drain
  • I love how aware I am of my mental illness and how I’m not afraid to talk about it
  • I love that I’m into a million different things that are totally unrelated
  • I love how excited I get when I discover a new dubstep song and I’m waiting for the beat to drop
  • I love how looking at pictures of pretty food makes me happy
  • I love how much I love Instagram and Pinterest
  • I love all the messed up things that have happened in my life because despite that sometimes it catches up and traps me it helps me learn how to be a better me
  • I love how I love kickboxing, that’s probably the most unexpected thing to ever happen to me
  • I love that I’m a little bit ghetto and I love where I came from
  • I love how watching Wishes and The Electric Parade are enough to remind me to follow my dreams
  • I love how I follow my dreams, like, sometimes it’s kinda over the top
  • I love how I want to do ALL THE THINGS. ALL THE TIME.
  • I love how my day is usually focused on what I’m going to eat
  • I love that I love being home versus out in a club
  • It might not be much to look at when I’m not active but I kinda really love my ass
  • I love my hips

Maybe I shoulda narrowed it down so I could continue to do this through a number of days. I need to remind myself that I do love myself and that I am worth someone’s time and attention. I need to make sure that my opinion of myself is the ONLY opinion that should matter and I need to remind myself that I’m enough. Whatever happens in my life or in my marriage does not define WHO I am or WHAT KIND of wife I am. Not everything revolves around me. I didn’t fail as a best friend and I didn’t fail as a wife. Sometimes life just gets in the way but I didn’t fail. And I’m not a failure.

I’m a work in progress, but at least now, I’m actively working on it. I’ll be okay and when I get through this I’ll be a better, happier, healthier me.

Don’t expect so much they said…

You’ll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.

I know, it’s been a really long time since I’ve been here.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on any blog, writing or reading. I don’t even watch YouTube videos that much anymore.

I’m a little upset, not going to lie, that a year with a four in it has been so rough so far and that it’s the ten year anniversary of everything for us and we’ve been struggling as well. I guess I just expected too much. Like life owes me something too much. That might had contributed to the downfall.

The last month in particular has been really rough on me and while it seems like some aspects of my life are getting even worse, I’m just… tired of caring I guess. I’m tired of letting other people control my emotions. I’m tired of laying in bed depressed out of my mind and relying on sleeping aids to drift me off to sleep and shut my mind off for me.

And so I made the decision last week to get up.  To get back to building the life I want because it’s MY life and only I can make sure I create it the way I want. I threw away my sleeping pills and last night was night 2 without them which was harder than night 1. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. The only reason why I was able to sleep on the first night was because I did some pretty intense kickboxing the day before that and I was still worn out from it. Which makes me miss kickboxing classes. There’s nothing nicer than the tiredness you get from a work out like that. I’m not sure if it’s the same for all work outs since I don’t really work out. I just kickbox lol. I’ve been consumed by anxiety a lot lately, like crazy amounts of it. Which I think is what’s making me depressed the most and so I’m trying to get that in control. It’s all in my mind. And damn is my mind powerful. But only against me. Crazy piece of shit.

Thunderstorm season has started here in Florida and I can’t say I’m excited. It’s exciting when you know, you’re not required to work outside and stand in the storms. But since that isn’t really the case this summer… there you go.

So here’s to a new month and to starting over…

Book Haul

stuckinthislife_review

FOR REVIEW FROM AMAZON VINE

  • The Promise of Amazing by Robin Constantine
  • The Geography of You and Me by Jennifer E. Smith

WON

  • Side Effects May Vary by Julie Murphy

 
 

stuckinthislife_netgalley

NEGALLEY

  • Herbs for Stress & Anxiety by Rosemary Gladstar
  • Oblivion by Sasha Dawn
  • Sugar Baby by Gesine Bullock-Prado
  • 18 Truths by Jamie Ayres
  • The Break-Up Artist by Philip Siegel
  • Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off by Jill Steeples
  • The Best Kind of Broken by Chelsea Fine
  • Undone by Shannon Richard
  • Sing Sweet Nightingale by Erica Cameron
  • Witchfall by Victoria Lamb
  • Crazy For You by Emma Heatherington
  • My Date From Hell by Tellulah Darling
  • Before I Wake by C.L. Taylor

 

I didn’t snap a picture of the books I bought because they’re all on my Kindle annnnd I forgot haha.

 

What did you get this week?

Mini skirt with my J’s on…

SPiNNiNG: 23 by Miley Cyrus

Why am I listening to this? It’s so freakin catchy. Ugh. Not the point of this post lol.

1904254_629437053758223_1934914176_n

Let’s talk.

Some people spend an awful lot of time discussing other people and it’s such a pet peeve and a huge turn off for me. Like, why are you fixated on the way this person looks, sounds, says or their sexual preference? What does any of that have to do with you or your life? It just doesn’t make any sense. Then they ask for my opinion which honestly is just bait to back them up then end up disappointed when I say I don’t have an opinion or care about the subject. Because I *have* to have some kind of opinion.

Pffft.

There’s a difference between having an opinion and being an asshole. Sure I may have an initial reaction to someone out of either shock or awe but whatever it is doesn’t always need to be said outloud and honestly even if I have an opinion of someone I’m sure within 2 seconds I’ve moved on.

The things you say about someone is not a reflection of them, it’s a reflection of you.

Just something to think about.

I’m completely aware that I’m by no means perfect. I’m flawed to the moon and back. But at least I’m fully aware of my flaws, I don’t do much to hide them because honestly if someone doesn’t like me, they won’t like me. If they don’t accept me, that’s fine, they don’t have to. So who am I to judge someone else?

Besides, I’m too focused on my hustle and too focused on making myself a better person.

Bonjour Février!

b262561e8a4e50c8b1a564ce254c00c1[ credit to Pinterest ]

It’s 75° here in Orlando but it feels much colder than that in my apartment so the heater is still running. It’s suppose to rain and thunder today, I’m pretty excited about that! We’ve had rain all week but no thunder and lightning. Which, hello! Is the best part, right?!

I fell out of focus completely the end of last month. Mostly because M was sick with the flu and I spent most of the day trying to get chores and homework done before he would get home so I could focus all my attention and energy on taking care of him. But truth is, I shouldn’t had fallen out of focus. I can’t.

So here are some goals I’m hoping to accomplish this month…

  • Go back to sleeping & waking up early

  • Discover 2 new products

  • Get homework done in the beginning of week

  • Come up with Valentines Day themed posts

  • Tidy living room

  • Build a light box

  • Build dresser

  • Read!!

  • Fix up blog about me pages

  • Film Defy review

  • Make homemade gum drops

  • Learn how to knit

 

Trying to keep it simple. I mean these are all attainable, right? Nothing way too out there!

So here’s to hoping that February is a productive one!

What are some of your goals for this month?