She, she ain’t real…

SPiNNiNG: Rumor Has It/Someone Like You — Glee

So between now and my last entry — things didn’t really get any better.

My lower back is freakin killing me.

I’m gonna blog this standing up, cause this is seriously insane.

But within the month that has passed, things, if anything got significantly worse. As if I didn’t think they could get any worse than they already were. But that’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? It can always get worse.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead…

So I had to step back. I had to calm down. I had to think. Which was hard when you’re sucked into a black vortex of straight up fury and depression. And I had to reevaluate what I wanted. What I deserved and how to get it. Revenge would had been sweet, but that’s not what we’re talking about.

So the last — in total — three months have been straight up crap. So much crap that I dropped ten pounds, that I barely went to work and I barely passed any of my classes. I barely slept. I barely did anything. I just… didn’t care. Why care. We were seeing just where caring was getting me. Nowhere. And nothing.

Thank goodness for my girl A for saving me and being there for me the last three months or I woulda lost my damn mind!

I probably already did, regardless.

I’m beating around the bush.

So my OCD was a primary focus in all of this, because my anxiety had significantly spiked up. And I do mean SPIKED. UP. Like I was constantly anxious. I was constantly on the edge. I was constantly angry and depressed and I felt like my emotions were going to consume me whole. So I did what I said I wouldn’t do because I can beat this naturally. Except it’s been ten years. I need a little help.

So I got a little bit of help and the little bit of help has been A LOT of help the last few days. I feel better already; I feel more clear minded, I’m not anxious anymore (thank goodness), I’m not wallowing in depression, I’m getting back to focusing on the things that made me happy and the things I like doing and I’m feeling good. I’m not happy just yet. But I’m feeling better than I have in the last three months — in the last ten years. That’s for sure. I see small changes with my OCD lately and I’m glad of the progress I’m making. They’re things I thought would never stop bothering me and now I can just ignore them like they’re not a big deal — because they’re not.

I actually had a bit of an argument with my OCD yesterday while doing the laundry. It’s not as dominant and strong or loud as it use to be. There are times when I’ll mindlessly give in to smaller things but this particular thing I figured the only reason why I’m even getting slightly anxious is because I keep thinking about it. So I went off to do something else. Needless to say, by the time I pulled the CLEAN laundry out of the dryer I had no desire to rewash it even though my OCD was trying to get me to and I survived just fine. It’s nice and it’s different to be able to separate the two. I mean I’ve always been aware of the OCD and my own rational thought but before it felt like the OCD was taking over my rational thought and turning it into what it wanted. But now I can step back, back enough that I can decide what I want to do.

And to have that control back after so many years.

It’s nice.

And I’m excited about this journey.

So to the people who made my life a living hell the last three months, thanks. You guys are still assholes but at least now I’m on a journey to a better, happier, healthier me and well… you guys are still stuck in your shithole.

Things I love about myself

I’m feeling a little down and I was thinking of making a Facebook status that said Hey guys, feeling down, anyone wanna share something they think is cool about me? But I figured that would be thirsty and I don’t really know how well people actually know me anymore. So I figured, why don’t I write a list of things I love about myself instead.

The last month has sucked for me. Straight up just sucked. And negative emotions have been flying all over the place. I’ve called the Suicide Hotline about 3 times. And not so much because I’m about of jump off my building or anything but because I just wanted someone who doesn’t know me to talk to. Without feeling judged. I’ve also done a lot of self reflecting in the last week or so and I’m working towards being a healthier me but emotionally, spiritually, mentally (hopefully) and physically.

I have a bit of an addiction to sleeping aids and I’ve realized that while I do love that awesome drowsy feeling, every day I wake up I’m pretty much a zombie. Depending on what I take I won’t even remember what I did that next day. Like, at all. While that seems great to someone who can’t stop thinking and feeling, it’s pretty much not considering you’re running away from your problems.

Anyway! On with the list!

  • I think I’m pretty funny and quirky
  • I love that I’m nerdy and I never get embarrassed about geeking out over something I love
  • I love that obsess over things and fall in love with fictional characters easily
  • I love that I’m not afraid to be who I am in front of other people anymore
  • I love my eyes, I think they’re kinda cool
  • I love my long thick hair. Though I’d love it more if it stopped clogging the drain
  • I love how aware I am of my mental illness and how I’m not afraid to talk about it
  • I love that I’m into a million different things that are totally unrelated
  • I love how excited I get when I discover a new dubstep song and I’m waiting for the beat to drop
  • I love how looking at pictures of pretty food makes me happy
  • I love how much I love Instagram and Pinterest
  • I love all the messed up things that have happened in my life because despite that sometimes it catches up and traps me it helps me learn how to be a better me
  • I love how I love kickboxing, that’s probably the most unexpected thing to ever happen to me
  • I love that I’m a little bit ghetto and I love where I came from
  • I love how watching Wishes and The Electric Parade are enough to remind me to follow my dreams
  • I love how I follow my dreams, like, sometimes it’s kinda over the top
  • I love how I want to do ALL THE THINGS. ALL THE TIME.
  • I love how my day is usually focused on what I’m going to eat
  • I love that I love being home versus out in a club
  • It might not be much to look at when I’m not active but I kinda really love my ass
  • I love my hips

Maybe I shoulda narrowed it down so I could continue to do this through a number of days. I need to remind myself that I do love myself and that I am worth someone’s time and attention. I need to make sure that my opinion of myself is the ONLY opinion that should matter and I need to remind myself that I’m enough. Whatever happens in my life or in my marriage does not define WHO I am or WHAT KIND of wife I am. Not everything revolves around me. I didn’t fail as a best friend and I didn’t fail as a wife. Sometimes life just gets in the way but I didn’t fail. And I’m not a failure.

I’m a work in progress, but at least now, I’m actively working on it. I’ll be okay and when I get through this I’ll be a better, happier, healthier me.

Don’t expect so much they said…

You’ll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.

I know, it’s been a really long time since I’ve been here.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on any blog, writing or reading. I don’t even watch YouTube videos that much anymore.

I’m a little upset, not going to lie, that a year with a four in it has been so rough so far and that it’s the ten year anniversary of everything for us and we’ve been struggling as well. I guess I just expected too much. Like life owes me something too much. That might had contributed to the downfall.

The last month in particular has been really rough on me and while it seems like some aspects of my life are getting even worse, I’m just… tired of caring I guess. I’m tired of letting other people control my emotions. I’m tired of laying in bed depressed out of my mind and relying on sleeping aids to drift me off to sleep and shut my mind off for me.

And so I made the decision last week to get up.  To get back to building the life I want because it’s MY life and only I can make sure I create it the way I want. I threw away my sleeping pills and last night was night 2 without them which was harder than night 1. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. The only reason why I was able to sleep on the first night was because I did some pretty intense kickboxing the day before that and I was still worn out from it. Which makes me miss kickboxing classes. There’s nothing nicer than the tiredness you get from a work out like that. I’m not sure if it’s the same for all work outs since I don’t really work out. I just kickbox lol. I’ve been consumed by anxiety a lot lately, like crazy amounts of it. Which I think is what’s making me depressed the most and so I’m trying to get that in control. It’s all in my mind. And damn is my mind powerful. But only against me. Crazy piece of shit.

Thunderstorm season has started here in Florida and I can’t say I’m excited. It’s exciting when you know, you’re not required to work outside and stand in the storms. But since that isn’t really the case this summer… there you go.

So here’s to a new month and to starting over…

Book Haul

stuckinthislife_review

FOR REVIEW FROM AMAZON VINE

  • The Promise of Amazing by Robin Constantine
  • The Geography of You and Me by Jennifer E. Smith

WON

  • Side Effects May Vary by Julie Murphy

 
 

stuckinthislife_netgalley

NEGALLEY

  • Herbs for Stress & Anxiety by Rosemary Gladstar
  • Oblivion by Sasha Dawn
  • Sugar Baby by Gesine Bullock-Prado
  • 18 Truths by Jamie Ayres
  • The Break-Up Artist by Philip Siegel
  • Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off by Jill Steeples
  • The Best Kind of Broken by Chelsea Fine
  • Undone by Shannon Richard
  • Sing Sweet Nightingale by Erica Cameron
  • Witchfall by Victoria Lamb
  • Crazy For You by Emma Heatherington
  • My Date From Hell by Tellulah Darling
  • Before I Wake by C.L. Taylor

 

I didn’t snap a picture of the books I bought because they’re all on my Kindle annnnd I forgot haha.

 

What did you get this week?

Mini skirt with my J’s on…

SPiNNiNG: 23 by Miley Cyrus

Why am I listening to this? It’s so freakin catchy. Ugh. Not the point of this post lol.

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Let’s talk.

Some people spend an awful lot of time discussing other people and it’s such a pet peeve and a huge turn off for me. Like, why are you fixated on the way this person looks, sounds, says or their sexual preference? What does any of that have to do with you or your life? It just doesn’t make any sense. Then they ask for my opinion which honestly is just bait to back them up then end up disappointed when I say I don’t have an opinion or care about the subject. Because I *have* to have some kind of opinion.

Pffft.

There’s a difference between having an opinion and being an asshole. Sure I may have an initial reaction to someone out of either shock or awe but whatever it is doesn’t always need to be said outloud and honestly even if I have an opinion of someone I’m sure within 2 seconds I’ve moved on.

The things you say about someone is not a reflection of them, it’s a reflection of you.

Just something to think about.

I’m completely aware that I’m by no means perfect. I’m flawed to the moon and back. But at least I’m fully aware of my flaws, I don’t do much to hide them because honestly if someone doesn’t like me, they won’t like me. If they don’t accept me, that’s fine, they don’t have to. So who am I to judge someone else?

Besides, I’m too focused on my hustle and too focused on making myself a better person.

Bonjour Février!

b262561e8a4e50c8b1a564ce254c00c1[ credit to Pinterest ]

It’s 75° here in Orlando but it feels much colder than that in my apartment so the heater is still running. It’s suppose to rain and thunder today, I’m pretty excited about that! We’ve had rain all week but no thunder and lightning. Which, hello! Is the best part, right?!

I fell out of focus completely the end of last month. Mostly because M was sick with the flu and I spent most of the day trying to get chores and homework done before he would get home so I could focus all my attention and energy on taking care of him. But truth is, I shouldn’t had fallen out of focus. I can’t.

So here are some goals I’m hoping to accomplish this month…

  • Go back to sleeping & waking up early

  • Discover 2 new products

  • Get homework done in the beginning of week

  • Come up with Valentines Day themed posts

  • Tidy living room

  • Build a light box

  • Build dresser

  • Read!!

  • Fix up blog about me pages

  • Film Defy review

  • Make homemade gum drops

  • Learn how to knit

 

Trying to keep it simple. I mean these are all attainable, right? Nothing way too out there!

So here’s to hoping that February is a productive one!

What are some of your goals for this month?

There’s really no good lyric for a title in this song…

SPiNNiNG: This Luv by Donell Jones ♥

It’s cold. I’m listening to mellow ass slow jams. And I have a slight headache. The only thing I’m really thinking is how much I would love to be standing at the pier in San Francisco looking out into the water tonight. There are moments I miss SF so fiercely which is crazy! After high school I’ve kept my distance from going there so often. I guess in a weird way I kind of ruined the city for myself. But it doesn’t stop me from missing it.

Living nowhere near a city really blows. There’s something about the busy of a city, the creativity in the air, everything just at your fingertips. I feel like I’m in the middle of nowhere here. What makes it worse is that almost no one speaks English. And I live in Florida, so what the heyhey is going on? Did I miss something?

Feb starts in 2 hours and like the turn of every new month I’m all MAKE ALL THE GOALS! I need to cool it lol. But there are some projects I want to work on for Valentines Day, even if they’re just for myself. It’s all good. Half the bills are paid for Feb and it’s still Jan. I’d call that pretty successful. Who knew having a calender would really make that much of a difference? Crazy right?

So Valentines Day is coming up and M still hasn’t asked me. I know; you’re married, does it matter? YES. IT MATTERS. CAUSE I WANT IT TO MATTER. OKAY? Gotta keep the romance alive folks. Or find any possible way you can to torment your husband. Whichever. But we were talkin about something and I was telling him that I never had a Valentine before we started dating. So… 19 years. I mean I had a Valentine for like the last hour of VDay once. Does that count? But you get what I mean. But I never really felt like I needed one… I had the most amazing and loving friends a person could ask for and my mom always gave me flowers and gifts. But now that I’m living away from my mom and I don’t have very many friends anymore and my husband isn’t one to take Valentines Day too seriously well… it gets a little lonely.

I know, how lame, right?

I think I’m going to wrap myself in my blankets like a burrito. Mmm. I could go for a burrito.

In the back of mind…

I’m scrolling through Facebook, looking up old friends who are on my friend’s list but I haven’t talked to in years.

And I can’t help but see the years of their lives I’ve missed. The years where they’ve grown, accomplished things, seen things, experienced things and all I can think about is how close we were when we were kids and wonder what happened. When did we drift away? Was it something that happened? Something that was said? Or was it just distance and time? Was it just because we grew up?

A forever friend stopped by when I came home last year for Christmas and he was the only person I saw while I was home. We’re both on the East Coast now but in different states so we don’t see each other or talk as much as we use to but he is someone incredibly important to me. But seeing him again, I didn’t have much to say like I use to. I don’t know if it was just because life is different now or because our lives are different. I’m not the same drama filled, boy crazy kid I use to be and honestly, my life isn’t interesting enough to keep up conversation with someone but in all honesty, it sort of made me sad.

Am I drifting away from everyone?

There’s nothing more hallow than realizing that people you’ve known since you were a kid are within your reach but you don’t know how to reconnect with these people. It’s a strange feeling to know that your circle of friends isn’t a circle. It’s just you. You alone in a room.

How do you get back to talking to people when it’s not in a professional setting? How do you talk to people casually? What do you say? I don’t drink. I don’t party. I don’t have crazy stories to tell anymore. And I wonder if that’s where I got boring.

Hello, 2014

So, it’s 2014.

Anyone else think that it’s sort of strange?

I was looking over my last years resolutions and I’m happy to say I completed most of them; I didn’t manage to read 60 books, but I read around 35 which is still good for someone who was in the Disney College Program and worked doubles twice a week. I took and edited a bunch of pictures… I just didn’t post them. I did not craft, I wanted to but I just never got around to it. I didn’t bake at all this year but I did learn how to cook! I sort of got a massage, I got a facial that came with a mini shoulder massage for my birthday and I loved it! I did learn a bit of French. And I did do some relaxing.

This year, I’m not going to write a resolutions list. I know, for the first time ever I’m committing the following year with no guideline list. Trust me, it’s scary.

But I will have a word that I will try to follow through out the year and I will have a set of goals.

So my 2014 word is —- Happiness.

Simple right? If it makes me happy, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t. I find happiness something that’s hard to achieve and it shouldn’t be! I’m turning 29 this year and I want to be happy. I want to be okay with my life, even if it’s not exactly where I want it to be. I want to learn how to be okay with it all. Yeah being an adult sucks and bills suck and debt sucks and not having a well enough paying job that provides health benefits suck but instead of sulking on how much everything sucks, why don’t I try harder to see the positive in things? Why don’t I try harder to realize that this is where my life is and until I change it, it will stay this way? And I don’t mean that in a “this is your fault” kind of way but more of a “you are not a tree, MOVE” kind of way. If that makes sense.

So, my goals for 2014 aren’t anything too extreme and I’m calling them goals because if I don’t complete them, my life isn’t over.

  • Read at least 25 books

This is also the first year where I’m not challenging myself to read 50+ books in the last 3 years. While I’ve had fun trying to complete that challenge, this last year has shown me that even if I do read 30 books, I only really enjoyed 3 of them. So instead of racing everyone else in the book blogging community, I want to get back to reading books for fun. I mean I’ll still do blog tours and promo stuff but I want, for the majority of the time, to read books that I want to read no matter what the hype or release date is.

  • Be more organized

You’d think that someone with OCD would be SUPER organized right? No. Not I. I have a hoarding problem and though it’s not as bad as it use to be, if you take a look at my living room you’ll wonder wtf is even happening. So yes, I need to tidy this because I can’t use the “oh we just moved in excuse” anymore since that happened 5 months ago.

  • Post 1 – 2 videos per week

This is probably one of the most ambitious goals I have for myself this year. But I really want to get into the swing of posting vlogs and videos and learning how to edit better with iMovie and learn how to edit with Final Cut X.

  • Go somewhere you’ve never been

I got this from an article and I thought it was cool. Living in Orlando I haven’t ventured outside of Orlando because man… these tolls! But I really want to see Tampa and Winter Park and a few other places.

  • Cook & Bake more

I bought a slow cooker recently and I have no idea what to do with it. Our first project was a fail so I’m hoping to learn how to make something better!

  • Get better at couponing

I started couponing last year (so crazy to think that yesterday was last year) and I’m getting better at finding good deals but I think I can do better!

  • Start a savings account

Believe it or not, hubby and I don’t have a savings account. Like, literally. At all. And I think at this age, that’s kiiiiiinda… bad. So while money is already tight as it is, we need to figure out a way to start a savings account!

And the next few are just usual ones that I don’t really count as goals because they’re something I strive to do everyday anyway.

  • Take more pictures
  • Continue learning French
  • Pass all your classes
  • Craft

 

Despite all this stuff, my ultimate goal this year is to learn and to be happy. So if I at least achieve that, I’ll feel accomplished!

What are some of your goals this upcoming year? Do you do resolutions?

Cause it’s not too often I feel content

Contentment.

That’s an emotion I don’t have the pleasure of meeting up with too frequently. Maybe a handful of times my entire life? Happiness? True happiness? I don’t wanna talk about it.

But while it’s the 5th of November and I’m behind on both my read and my word count for NaNoWriMo I’m still… content.

I’m doing well in school. Passed my last class with an A- an A fuckin minus. Can you believe that? I worked hard for that A! I’m so proud of myself! I’m learning French finally and there’s something amazing about learning a new language and recognizing words and being able to instantly translate them in your head.

My NaNo project this year has no plot. It has a theme. A theme that helps me moving forward but no plot. Thinking back, none of my books have plots. I’m a little afraid of plots. They finalize things but books need plots! What’s a story without a plot? But NaNo is practice. Getting to that 50k words in 30 days. Just knowing I can do it would be enough. Even if I go this whole month writing a plot-less novel with 50k words, if I just finished I would be happy. If anything I’d have my words and I’d have a theme.

————

There are people who you meet and majority of these people you don’t think will make a major difference in your life.

12 years ago I met a boy who was different than any other boy I knew at the time. He was interesting, he was funny, he was intriguing, he knew all the right things to say and for some unknown crazy reason he thought I was interesting too. Through the years we’ve gone through a lot together, being support to each other. He also put me through a lot of heartbreak.

I may never know why (beyond that he says he was an asshole) or how he really felt about me back then. If it was anything in comparison to what I felt about him but all these years later, none of that should matter. What matters is that through all the phases in my life he was there. Through all the times growing up, when all I wanted was someone who cared he was there. When all I wanted was someone to make me feel special, he was there. He never failed me.

Growing up is funny, now that we’re older he’s everywhere and anywhere. It’s harder to keep track of him and sometimes he’s gone for months at a time. I know that it’s ridiculous to think that someone will always be there when you need them. That’s unrealistic. It’s unrealistic that someone will drop everything to make you feel special. At 28, you should be old enough to make yourself feel special. And beyond that, it’s not his job anymore.

But I am so thankful for him. For so many reasons. For so many reasons I can’t even put into words. Happy Birthday Bumble Beez, I hope you’re having an amazing day. I heart you, always. You’re the most amazing friend a person could ever ask for. When you’re not being an asshole.